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As I kill these last few hours of 2012, I take it upon myself to finally let it go.

I’m letting go of everything I had hoped this year would’ve been.

…of all the things I wanted to accomplish but fell short of.

…of all the frustrations and doubts and insecurities that haunted me.

…of the first-times that made this year so hard to get over.

…of the soul-wrenching last times, the unbearable heaviness of goodbyes.

…of promises broken like my smoking habits – I was too weak and still am.

…of that once-in-a-lifetime love I’d always carry in my heart no matter how broken it gets me.

…of all the wretched lies just to get by; of all the truths I would hopelessly lie to conceal.

…of that constant battle between expectations and reality; of the hollowing pain of disappointment when reality proves to be the victor once again.

…of not rooting for reality when every muscle in me knows I should.

…of every half-assed effort.

…of those times when I gave my all.

…of all the things remembered and forgotten.

…of all the successes and all the failures and all the lessons learned.

…of all the bridges burned.

…of everyone, of everything, of everywhere.

…of myself.

I let go. Because I deserve the gift of a clean slate. I need to make room for more of what’s on this list and for everything that’s not. I have no time nor space to waste. Every little thing counts. Every. little. thing.

there are days i feel like it’s the end of the world for me and i feel this sadness tugging at my heart coz i messed things up again or things just seem pretty hopeless no matter how much i hope and and i also wanna say no matter what i do and no matter how much i try but no i am ashamed to admit i subscribe to something like you get what you give so don’t give me any and i wont give you any get silent on me and i will ignore you as well although i try not to be like that but it’s hard because my pride always gets in the way and so i will just sit on my spot being silent and all and i will also chat a little smile a little but my whole being is consumed by these nagging thoughts and these tears that know no shame and i’m like oh boy oh boy oh boy and then after a few days something will happen and nothing will happen and this little slump will clear and i will be all right not really totally happy but just ok and ok is better than not ok but still at the back of mind i’m still oh boy oh boy oh boy

he was somebody

Today, I witnessed the saddest death. And all I could think of was: “he was somebody’s father. He was somebody’s father.” Over and over, that same thought played in my mind. As I wiped the dried blood from his forehead – “he was somebody’s father.” As I struggled to help lift him off the floor back to the bed – “he was somebody’s father.” As I combed his hair for the last time in a fashion that would make his death, or the mysterious circumstances that led to that, appear decent – “he was somebody’s father.” As I covered half his body with fresh sheets to make it seem as if he’s just napping – “he was somebody’s father.” As I scrubbed my hands off the perpetual stench of loss – “he was somebody’s father.”

And up until then, I have never even met the man.

I’m so sorry it wasn’t smooth sailing. I’m sorry it wasn’t so pretty. But may you rest in peace, Mr. B.

Save Oh Save

Expressing my inner anguish through the majesty of song.

And again.