Archive for March, 2014

catch-22

Posted: March 14, 2014 in Uncategorized

The hardest thing I ever had to learn that I find myself stuck constantly in the learning process is to not take things personally. I’ve long been aware that the sun doesn’t revolve around me yet I still manage to react as if it does. I’m hardly what anyone would call a selfish or narcissistic person but when something affects me – personal or not – it hurts just as well. How can you depersonalize pain? I’m not selfish or narcissistic but I am highly sensitive and if you hurt me, I will take it personally. I’m not a goddamn robot. I know it will benefit me and everyone around me if I manage to train myself to live like one but what good is that? I’ll be keeping the peace, be known as a mature adult, sure, but at what price? I want to learn to not take everything personally because admittedly no good can come out of behaving otherwise but not at the expense of my feelings. Maybe being a feeling type of person will always be the root of my downfall but maybe it’s also the very core of what makes me, me.

I’m beginning to understand why so and so decided to bail on Coachella. I tried putting myself in his shoes and knowing how I am and the supposed effect I have on people at least on the surface, I would’ve bailed too. Because it will be too much. From how I know him and how he still knows me, it will be too much. I understand now.

Thing is, I will never come to this kind of enlightened understanding had I been impersonal about it. So what gives?

I am finally quitting though. Personally, I don’t want to. Ever. Objectively, I have to. I’ve battled myself into a corner and there’s no other move but to surrender. Life is like a chess board. Sometimes you gotta hang your Queen for a knight/bishop/rook to enter a winning pawn end game. Sometimes you gotta sacrifice your Q for a checkmate. Plus I’m really beyond exhausted of feeling this defeated. I’m so deaf of hearing my thoughts on this and my inebriated broken record of a blabber to my friends and/or strangers who, for some reason, still care enough to listen. I’m tired. I’m done.

Let the good times roll.

but ANYWAY…

Posted: March 13, 2014 in Uncategorized

COACHELLA in 27 days!!!

champagne supernova

Posted: March 13, 2014 in Uncategorized

It hurt like never before when I got dumped as a girlfriend. Partly because I’ve never been the dumpee. I was always the one who had to call it quits. Being the dumper is not an easy or even a victorious feat. It takes a brave person to be able to say and admit to his/herself and eventually to another that “hey, it’s never going to work out between us.” It’s not for a lack of love; it’s never been about that. Neither is it about a lack of trying/effort – on the contrary, it’s the overwhelming amount of errors that came with the trials that leads to that inevitable parting. It’s always tough. In fact, it gets tougher every time. I wish somebody told me that when I was younger. I wish somebody told me that some things don’t get better with age. Maybe I could’ve been more patient, more resilient, more forgiving, just… more. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret anything cause eventually I understood why things had to end and why things had to start. But as all things in my life so far, what started as seemingly endless eventually met its demise.

It’s madness how tough it’s been. I feel as if I’ve literally crawled out of a gargantuan bell jar. Everything that could go wrong, went wrong – my relationship ended, I quit my job, my family’s disappointment, questionable friends – I went from having almost everything I ever dreamed of having to basically nothing. Even though I appeared to be totally in control – joined a medical mission to the Philippines, went to Turkey and the Maldives, started cooking real meals, started doing yoga on the reg, babysat for my niece – I was lost. And I knew this kind of hell would happen once I lost him. Not that I based or ever based my entire happiness solely on him or being with him, no. It’s unexplainable how one person can get a hold on me the way that he does. The first night we met is still so vivid in my memory… the way he stared at me… No one’s ever looked at me like that before. You know when a person just looks at you and really sees you. Maybe it’s all just fantasy or whatever but from that moment on, I was captured yet I never felt more free. Just like that xx song: “I’ve been found out, so now I’ll never explore.” I just belonged. For the first time I belonged.

And so it was. We were best friends for years. Different cultural backgrounds, changes in geography, distance, relationships, situationships… Those were never factors. We were solid. We just had this mutual understanding that kind of bordered on telepathy. We didn’t talk for months and we still almost did the same things, listened to the same bands as if in sync. I cherished and believed in that best friendship so much, I thought we can survive anything. Even a romantic break-up. I thought we could evolve… I thought wrong.

And that shit hurt like nothing before. I was fine or at least over the hard part towards being fine. I got a new job, enrolled back to school for Fall semester, started socializing again. Things were starting to really look up. I no longer cried whenever I think of him or the us that was and he no longer became my first and last thoughts… And I had Coachella to look forward to.  See, Coachella was that one time in a year where friends from all over reunite. It’s been kind of a pledge of sorts that wherever you are, whatever situation you find yourself in, whatever happened or didn’t happen in our own personal lives, we would always have Coachella. We made that deal last year and as with all deals I make, I follow-through. And I expected everyone would too. Damn these expectations. I know it’s wrong to even have them but it kind of ceases to be “expectations” when you know you’re dealing with people who you consider as home. So in that line of thinking, I believe that if you deliberately break that pact, it only means one thing: you’re breaking up with me as a friend.

And that motherfucker hurt like nothing before. Of course I said I understand (after calling him out and telling him how I think it’s a pussy move), but I don’t really. I respect his decision and his reasons that I can only speculate simply because I have no choice. What else can I do? Or say even? Nothing. Just like that I’m shattered all over again. Do I want to be affected? Of course not. After all the work and the progress I’ve made… This is the last thing I want. I am mustering all control that I have in me to not break but the more I try, the more painful it is. So I’m just letting it be. How do you heal when your best friend in the world – the one person who just gets you – dumps you as his friend? It’s debilitating enough to move on from a lover but from a best friend? It’s spirit-crushing.

It’s so fuckin sad and I feel like wearing all black for a month as if in mourning. But I’m not gonna do that. I’ll just let this pain run its course and remind myself and anybody who cares to listen to never fall in love with your best friend. If you do, make sure you’re ready cause that’s the ultimate right there. It’s that great love that ruins all other flirtations thereafter. It’s that kind of love that ruins and rebuilds everything you thought you knew. It’s everything. So unless you’re ready, let it go. Stay platonic. Trust me, I know (and not a day goes by that I wish I didn’t).