Posts Tagged ‘music’

A few minutes on Friday

Posted: July 23, 2010 in MUSIKA
Tags: , , , ,

she kills, with foreign films, the emptiness of day to day
and i wait until the weekend comes
so i can clear this uselessness from my brain
i count the days until she arrives
those precious minutes when she is mine
as we walk from my front door to her car
we are so close and alone
but that will disappear in a room filled with the warmth
of others company

there is too much company
i hide my wounded pride and stare off into the other cars
if i could just speak the words to tell her
exactly how i feel
i count the ways that i might say it
but i know that none of them will work because
she won’t feel the same
i’ve come this far
but i can’t go through with it because the truth would hurt
too much
this hurts too much
she goes back to the west coast to drink in the sunshine
and i will stay here in these dead plains
and try to make a seed grow
and i would pray for rain
if i thought that that would help.


..with me.

…are found by people like you.

1, 2, 5, 10, 14 Reasons…

1. Upon waking up at 6:43 a.m. this morning my first thought was not ‘fuck my alarm won’t go off for another seventeen minutes’ it was ‘goody, now I can finish Love is a Mix Tape.’

2. Renée loved The Replacements and Alex Chilton and the Meat Puppets. So did I. (page 3)

3. It’s a fundamental human need to pass music around, and however the technology evolves, the music keeps moving. (page 24)

4. The times you lived through, the people you shared those times with – nothing brings it life like an old mix tape. (page 26)

5. For dudes who are totally clueless about social interaction, ergo completely scared of girls.. Yes, music is going to make girls fall in love with you. (page 29) “If the girls keep dancing, everybody’s happy. If the girls don’t dance, nobody’s happy.”

6. But I loved the cassock and surplice, ringing the bells, lighting the candles – it was like being a glam-rock roadie for God. (pages 40 – 41)

One of Renee’s friends asked her, “Does your boyfriend wear glasses?” She said, “No, he wears a Walkman.”

7. I used one of my favorite rhyme schemes – rhyming the first syllable of a trochee with the final syllable in the next line. How could anyone resist? (page 60)

8. The entire chapter ‘Sheena was a man’ which will make your heart ache with longing and make you wish someone loved you like this.

9. I felt for Renée. She was braver. She always wanted to know what happened next. (page 86) “Unlike me, Renee was not shy; she was a real people-pleaser. She worried way too much what people thought of her, wore her heart on her sleeve, expected too much from people, and got hurt too easily. She kept other people’s secrets like a champ, but told her own too fast. She expected the world not to cheat her and was always surprised when it did.”

10. I hear the noise in his voice, and I hear a boy trying to scare the darkness away. I wish I could hear what happened next, but nothing did. (page 130)

11. Page 147 which made me cry so hard that I had to put down the book and go find some Kleenex. “When we die, we will turn into songs, and we will hear each other and remember each other.”

12. Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you incredibly annoying. (page 190)

13. I also assumed I’d never be able to take listening to The Replacements again, but then I made a new friend this summer who wore a rubberband around his wrist with ‘Westerberg’ written on it. (page 205)

14. Because when Rock & Roll died, the 90’s was the next best thing. “I get sentimental over the music of the ’90s. Deplorable, really. But I love it all. As far as I’m concerned the ’90s was the best era for music ever, even the stuff that I loathed at the time, even the stuff that gave me stomach cramps.”


“But for me, if we’re talking about romance, cassettes wipe the floor with MP3s. This has nothing to do with superstition, or nostalgia. MP3s buzz straight to your brain. That’s part of what I love about them. But the rhythm of the mix tape is the rhythm of romance, the analog hum of a physical connection between two sloppy human bodies. The cassette is full of tape hiss and room tone; it’s full of wasted space, unnecessary noise. Compared to the go-go-go rhythm of an MP3, mix tapes are hopelessly inefficient. You go back to a cassette the way a detective sits and pours drinks for the elderly motel clerk who tells stories about the old days–you know you might be somewhat bored, but there might be a clue in there somewhere. And if there isn’t, what the hell? It’s not a bad time. You know you will waste time. You plan on it.”
— Rob Sheffield (Love Is a Mix Tape)

So, hit me with music. Brutalize me with music.

Apart from being a slut for music, I always was the novelty kinda gal. So, it really shouldn’t come as a surprise that I happen to still linger on the magic of a mixtape. You think it’s pointless, a waste of time, ancient school (the kinda old skool that ain’t cool) – Pssh. I’m a dork. And in my own little uncool world, the mixtape is still the ultimate love letter.

Before you start shaking your heads and muttering “you hippie” under your oh-so modernized breaths, here’s a newsflash: WE ALL STILL MAKE THEM. Yes, you. An iTunes playlist may not require the same blood, sweat, and tears that went into making a C90 or C120 mix, but the intent is still the same – expressing emotion through song.

I remember the first and only mixtape that I made way back when I was in 6th grade. Grunge was making headway in the music scene and a number of local bands are starting to get their 15 minutes in the spotlight. I was barely 12 and I remember being so psyched at the idea of making a nice mix of both big label bands and little local bands. I didn’t have any blank tapes on hand, so I settled for a crappy quality recycled tape I’d gotten from school, ripped off the labels, and cut out my own cassette frame from some blurry photos I found. It was an impressionistic tangle of trees in psychedelic colors, it was almost crying out for me to name the mix “A Walk Through A Sonic Forest”, in reference to the author E.E. Cummings. Don’t ask. I was a weird yet happy kid. Still am.

I knew then that this was the beginning of something momentous, so I taped an extra copy to seal the preservation of said playlist. (Interesting how in the age of CD burning, everyone is able to retain whatever playlist they’ve made up for someone else… Think of all the great playlists we made back in the real mixtape days that are now lost to us!). The great thing about the time constraint was that I had no time to actually produce an organized flow to the mix; it was spontaneous, candid, HONEST. The tape was purely about the music.

So… without further blabber, here’s the tracklist of my one and only mixtape to myself, from myself:

Side A
1. Higher Ground – Red Hot Chili Peppers
2. Would – Alice in Chains
3. Dookie – Greenday
4. New Year’s Day – U2
5. Kyrie – Glasshouse
6. In Bloom – Nirvana
7. Space Boy – The Smashing Pumpkins
8. Queer – Garbage
9. Darkness Fell – Wolfgang
10. Black Hole Sun – Soundgarden
11. Bring Me Down – Rivermaya
12. Live Forever – Oasis

Side B
1. Release – Pearl Jam
2. Amazing – Aerosmith
3. Little Bones – The Tragically Hip
4. No Rain – Blind Melon
5. Swimming In Your Ocean – Crash Test Dummies
6. Free To Decide – The Cranberries
7. Freedom – Rage Against The Machine
8. Rock Star – Hole
9. Tomorrow – Silverchair
10. I Can’t Face The World – The Lemon Trees


Fast forward. I was 17 and somehow convinced myself that I was in love. I even had a full handwritten tracklisting (with annotations and important lyrics) to go with the mix tape I was supposed to woo my first “proper” boyfriend with. Sadly, it never came into fruition – both the mix and the relationship – and I only managed to salvage page one of what must have been two. So, verbatim:

Cigarettes and Coffee -Otis Redding. Because I love the idea of being so content with someone that I don’t need anything else “I don’t want no cream or sugar, cause I’ve got you.”
The Calendar Hung Itself -Brighteyes. You might hate Brighteyes if you haven’t heard them before. They are a band of attrition who takes some listening to. But I love this song for its intensity (and bons points for wokring in ‘you are my sunshine’ in an un-trite manner) “does he know that place behind your neck that’s your favorite to be touched?”
You -Radiohead. I first heard this on some bizarre Japanese import but it completely explains the ridiculous unrequited thing that I have down so perfectly. “you… are… the sun and moon and stars”
Teenage Kicks -The Undertones. Who doesn’t love them? “I’ll have her over cos I’m all alone”
Sex and Candy -Marcy Playground. Self obsession, caffeine and a brilliant bass, I just can’t fault it. “I’ve had too much caffeine and I’m thinking about myself”
Pale Blue Eyes -The Velvet Underground. Mainly because it’s so chill… Reminds me of that lazy, all-the-time-in-the -world, lying-in-bed-with-somebody

nice feeling. “it was so good what we did yesterday, and I’d do it [a hundred times] again”
Bright and Yellow -Gin Blossoms
You Go To My Head -Billie Holiday. I adore Billie Holiday even though all her songs are so sad.. “I find you spinning round in my brain..”
Brown Eyed Girl -Van Morrison. I love this because it is so filled with private references but you still get so involved.
In Love With The World [I can’t remember who this is by]

When a relationship ends, it always seems like such a tragedy that it didn’t last forever. In hindsight, however, I see that crazy intense first loves really can’t. But this tape serves as a document of that amazing openness and exuberance of time. It reminds me of how the past begets the present – first love as the beginning of self-discovery.


Why that second attempt failed to materialize is now beyond me. But for all my self-absorbed “Holden Caulfield” ridiculousness, I always knew I have what it takes to make the sickest mixes. Making playlists on my iTunes may not be nearly as sexy as spending hours and hours with your cassette and CD library in front of you trying to find that perfect next song, but the practice still serves a purpose. And as long as there are slightly neurotic pop culture dorks in this world like yours truly, the mixtape will never die.

To me, making a tape is like writing a letter. There’s a lot of erasing and rethinking and starting again. A good compilation tape, like breaking up, is hard to do. You’ve got to kick off with a corker, to hold the attention, and then you’ve got to up it a notch or cool it a notch and you can’t have white music and black music together unless the white music sounds like black music, and you can’t have two tracks by the same artist side by side, unless you’ve done the whole thing in pairs and…oh, there are loads of rules. Anyway… I’ve started to make a tape… in my head… for Laura. Full of stuff she likes. Full of stuff that make her happy. For the first time I can sort of see how that is done. -Rob Gordon (High Fidelity)

So what do I do when I’m down and out?
I get up and roam around
And start thinking about
What matters to me.
And what it means for me to be
A perfect human being

Then I ask myself
I try to be responsible.
Is it impossible?
Can I truly be indestructible?

And then “he” strolled into my life.
Destroyed me, With a gait so heavenly
“He” ran his fingers through my hair
Revealed those eyes, More pure than fair

I know what it is. I’ve figured it out. It may be a bit premature. Some misconceptions and lack of experience, I’m sure. But when it happens, it happens. I’ve cracked the code. And it starts with inspiration.

A belief. It’s a feeling that makes a person believe in things he or she can’t explain.

I don’t exactly know why
But “he” smiled. And so did I.
Earth stops while I sigh
To recite to me a lullaby

I heard things beyond hearing
Once the world grew quiet for us
And with no fuss
My vision cleared.

Believing. Then seeing.
Nirvana and prayer
“He” dismisses my gaze
And continues singing.

Is this love? It has to be. “He” looks at me not. Love is, after all, a one-way street. And I fear sometimes we’re going the wrong way. “He” may not look. But the point is…I will always look after “him.”

It’s PERFECT. Everything in my life falls into place. THAT’S love. A sense that whatever it is I’m doing; it’s right. The things in my soul… they’re there for a reason.

His voice cracks.
The chord breaks.
The song is ruined.
I blink.

Snap out of it. Maybe it was TOO GOOD to be true. NO.


True love is a broken chord. You realize he has FLAWS. Makes MISTAKES. But he doesn’t care. And, now, NEITHER DO I.

IMAGINE. He realizes his mistake and he smiles. And so do you. And it makes him even more beautiful because you realize that love doesn’t have to be perfect. It’s a SONG that solely has a meaning for you. And he makes life more beautiful because you realize he’s just like you. He falls. He’s also afraid. But that doesn’t conquer him. And this gives you courage.

He’s heavenly but not from Heaven.
An angel that stands in front of you. Not God.
And reminds you.

And brings life and love down to Earth. “He” makes love possible. I make life possible. Makes it a reality. Like bringing a painting to life, “we” vivify art and the culmination of everything beautiful too unbelievable to see, too good to dream.

So Love? I only have a faint idea. But I’ve experienced it.

LOVE is when one feels that moment of the deepest, most profound inspiration in not only him or herself, but the world around them.

It’s okay. Love is imperfect. And so is life.
And will continue to be even if somehow, one day, the public has enough sense to place themselves in the shoes of their fellow peers. Understand one another. Because that’s what it’s about. It’s not politics. It’s not something the government has control over. It’s not continuous research on a topic that is constantly changing. It’s PERSPECTIVE.

So, I’m saying I choose IMPERFECTION. Rather than advance, I CHOOSE to EVOLVE.