Posts Tagged ‘friends’

Though I am one of the most transparent persons around, I tend to spew fabrications just to elicit reactions from people. Sometimes, I learn what kind of person they are by the way they respond.

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I was going through my old clutters inside a balikbayan box and found my old notebooks stashed at the bottom of my art materials and old CD’s and VHS tapes. I am such a keeper of old mementos and souvenirs. (How can you throw them away? Those are better remembrances of fond memories than putting up an album on facebook!) I reread some of my journals. I think I really am getting old. Ha! I coudn’t believe how many hundreds of thousands of thoughts I have passed on to paper, some of them were like from a different person. There were dreams written that I completely forgot that came into reality.

I love all my notebooks. Every each one of them. I knew I was writing for every phase of my life, that on every end page of each, there’s a note written “END OF CHAPTER.” It’s so funny how I would easily decide when to end. I have one notebook where I’ve written only on few pages, and then I started on a new one. That was the time I was on a transition from one relationship to another. My mind was so messed up I couldn’t put it on paper… and I think that was the time I started blogging. That time, my notebooks and livejournal started pulling tug-of-war on my thoughts. Until time came when my hand knows when to use a pen and when to use a keyboard.

My first notebook ever was a blue Cattleya red-&-blue lined notebook. I was in Grade 2 when I started writing stories. My first story was about a boy named Scott and a girl I forgot who. I don’t know why I couldn’t forget the boy’s name. Must be because I still remember how I would write Scott cursively. I have loved the curling of the S.

That was a love story and I don’t know why the very first story I ever wrote was a freakin’ love story!

Too bad I lost that notebook.

The next story I wrote was of a girl with 5 older brothers who went with her to the park, and they had a van, and then they played music, one instrument each.

Normal stories… until I met Gaiman and I began to write mythopoeic stories. I passed some of them to magazines. But they would be returned cause, of course, people wouldn’t wanna read outta-this-world fictions. But I just did it for the heck of it.

Damn, I miss my fictionist self.

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I am a very sensitive person. But not the “ang sensitib mo naman!” kind. No. I am sensitive in a way that I can sense people’s emotions hundreds of miles from me. Yes I am a super hero. Bahaha

I am not overly touchy, not too fond of besos, and I am not the type who’d miss people to a fault – although, I do have my moments. But I love hugging and kissing and holding hands and I do miss past experiences… I am not really what you’d call clique-ish, neither do I prefer to roll with a posse. People from my Elementary/HS will attest to that. Hell, they even labeled me as “autistic” which I don’t mind. But I do have a select group of friends since childhood that I can never replace with whatever people I have now in my circle. I call them my gems.

My social capacity is limited to that – of my loved ones.

So on a regular basis, I move about without a care in the world. Because that’s just it. I just do not care anymore. I am a ninja of the fleeting kind. Yes, ninja’s are fleeting. But I meant that I am not one sometimes.

If people don’t like me, I can sense it. But thing is, I don’t really care. Cause I wouldn’t want them to, anyway. What, so I can do the same with regards to them? No thanks. Vive et sine vivere. Before, I wouldn’t appreciate it if they talk behind my back. I’d say that they better say it to my face. But now, I don’t care. Really. They can talk all they want behind my back. At least I gave them something to kill time with. They can mess with me in my face or at my back… just as long as they don’t mess with my family. I have lived sufficiently long enough to even care what people think of me. Life is too short. People can do whatever they want! Cause I found out that I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT. Happily.

Like I said, if people cross my family (blood-fam and soul-fam), I can either kick them in the face, or write about them on my blog/notebook. I can do the previous for defense purpose, the latter to practice my writing. So there.

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SUPER RANDOM THOUGHT: Just realized that I could afford to lose all my important phone contacts than lose my music files. I am one heck of a closet anti-social.

..even if she’s a boobless shapeless addict-esque pseudo hipster of a life form 🙂

i only date nerds.

..for a while.

Used to “look down” on people who needed to be high just to have a good time. I’m not washing my hands off the crime but I know I can do without. It was never a need. Escapism is the real culprit behind it. Life can be so grilling that by the end of the week or each day, you just want to break free.

Sometimes I think I’d be better off with a kid or something. Or a pet. God, I miss my dogs. someone that’d consume all this energy I have in me. I really have too much energy for one skinny girl, and that’s what gets me in trouble.

No, I’m not making excuses for my behavior. I’m responsible for my choices and I’m not one to point fingers. It’s all on me.

Bottomline: I had a fun night. In spite of everything. But it wasn’t me. The stupidity took over and I was a shooting star.

I’m more than glad to have burnt out in the morning. the crash, as always, is painful. and my heart breaks for the unnecessary casualties. I did what I did and that’s that.

And though I’ve no face to show for it, I’ve no regrets. Cause I understand more now. I do.

I was stupid but I’ll be fine.

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I love it cause it makes me not care. I tend to care too much normally. Even if I don’t want to. It’s like my heart gets a life of its own and triggers a massive empathy rush. And anyone who’s in their supposed right minds would say that that’s no good. I relentlessly abuse the right side of my brain, so I really wouldn’t know.

Anyway.

So yeah. I think I’m close to unveiling what my purpose here is. It’s not gonna be something grand in earthly terms neither would they have any statues built for me long after I’m gone. No, there will be no statues in my name. That’s a total waste of art. I’m starting to accept the possibility that I would not have an easy and ordinary life. I would probably be “alone” or “single, never married, no children” in social status. I probably would never get to have all that. And it’s perfectly alright. because I will be happy where I’d be. And it would feel so right and I would be complete.

My life will be is extraordinary. It was written. I believe.

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It was tough being a single legal alien in a city where almost all your girl friends have kids and all your guy friends have issues. Correction: It was tougher. Kids, issues, alcohol and drugs DO NOT MIX. And I just had to break away.

And in a not-so distant island, I found them. Rather, they found me.

I am yours now. So, now I won’t ever have to leave. I’ve been found out. So, now I’ll never explore.