Posts Tagged ‘blues’

Bluesy blues

Posted: January 7, 2017 in MUSIKA
Tags: , ,

Oh she may be weary. Young girls they do get weary…

                                      But when she gets weary, try a little tenderness.

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I hate how I always feel so goddamn homesick every year at this time of year. Why? What home am I sick for anyway? It’s been four years since I last spent the holidays back in the motherland, and the last time I did in ’06 is hardly what you’d call a good memorable experience. Memorable, yeah. But definitely NOT GOOD. So why? What the fuck am I still yearning for from back home at this time of year, specifically?

The beach? The island life? Sure. But I miss that ALL THE TIME. Not just for the -ber months. So, disqualified.

My friends? Who I haven’t kept in touch with and vis-a-vis for years now save for some minor nonsensical cutesy li’l innuendos via facebook. Ugh facebook. That site is so full of shit now, it sickens me to admit that our world would seriously cease to revolve without it. It’s disgusting how we all get so dependent on it when it’s not even serving it’s main purpose in the first place. Social networking, ey? We have managed to reduce ourselves into facebook profiles we manage to garnish with occasional updates that are, more often than not, more enticing than the actual deal. Like freakin cars in a show room. And personal interactions? Write on my wall, comment on my status, heck! Tag me a photo! It’s worth a thousand words, right? And that’s excluding all subliminal messages meant to somehow elicit a reaction from a potential lover and/or ex-lover. Seriously. What have we reduced ourselves into? Facebook friends. Nothing more, nothing less. So, why would I be homesick for them?

Family? My immediate family is here. Extended families strewn all over the country – coast to coast. There’s barely enough distance to stir up sentimentality… So, no. Definitely not family.

All my dogs have passed away.

The so-called “love of my life” has gotten married and is now an expectant father – fuck that.

What else is there then?

Stripped of all these external reasons, I realize I stand alone. That’s it. I miss me. I miss myself, and the way I was back home. I miss how I used to care about something as mundane as a sidewalk Christmas bazaar – one of gazillions that litter the metro at this time of year. Or how I used to marvel at Christmas lanterns. I miss how I used to dream of a white Christmas whereas now, I just dread it. I miss my natural capacity to evoke such random joy in the faces of street children when I share a Jollibee meal with them in Starbucks, or just plain hanging out with them, asking them about school and their families… I miss how I was able to literally smell Christmas in the air back home. Try as I may, I could never smell it here. I have become desensitized somehow. And it sucks.

So, maybe it’s not the place. Neither is it the people. Nor my dogs, nor my heart.

I am homesick for me.

And I don’t know what to do about it but rant. Whoopee-doo.

***

So, WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING HERE?