Posts Tagged ‘friendship’

My “Silent Bob” got hitched. Yep. Another one bites the dust.

“Silent Bob” as I used to call him (and yes, I was Jay) is my SAfrican buddy. Used to be my good buddy. We used to hang out and get high… much like the fictional characters “Jay & Silent Bob” aka the comic book heroes “Bluntman & Chronic.” The friendship was strangely purely platonic despite the fact that we started out being the apple of each others’ eyes. I dunno. It just didn’t progress to anything beyond the friendship lines. Seriously. We didn’t even get the chance to steal a single kiss or anything more than a friendly hug even though we hung out incessantly in the confines of our rooms. Yes, we used to go to each other’s abodes and invade each other’s personal spaces. Yet, nothing happened. Nothing beyond PG.

I don’t know when or how it happened but we just suddenly lost touch. We were both flirting with the idea of being with other people at that time, but nothing serious. Maybe that’s how we were able to maintain the platonic vibe… Or maybe I missed some signals…? Que sas, que sas, que sas.

So, why the sudden recollection? I had a dream about him last night. Quite an amazing dream actually. And you know how amazing dreams always easily evade the conscious zone upon awakening til something in the waking world reminds you of it, like deja vu – well, that’s what brought on the memory lane. Strange how I just thought of him now, and all due to a dream, when we used to be so close. Real life is certainly excellent in providing severance and causing temporary amnesia. It’s a shame. One moment we’re best friends, and in a blink, we’re back to being strangers. Further than strangers. Cause I wasn’t even made aware that 1) he went on to being serious with this chick; 2) they got engaged; and, 3) they got freakin married! Married with a capital M. Holy shites.

Yet, somehow I feel like I abandoned him. His wife used to be this psycho girl who was making his life hell. Using him for rides, for weed, for freakin child support – yeah, the girl comes with a baggage. He’s that kind of a guy, you see. Genuinely nice, patient, dependable. A total dream boat, if I should say so myself. We were both in the cesspool of frustrating partners before we lost touch. He used to always call me, and I used to be always on the road driving to the City towards dbag and/or potential dbag arms. And perhaps, maybe, after a series of absences from yours truly, he just gave up. And I… well, I was too infatuated with the promise of oncoming train wrecks to even notice.

Now, I just feel… bad. I know I shouldn’t. I should be happy for the dude. But I can’t shake off these annoying what-ifs and guilt trips. Had I been more present in his life, how different would the outcome/s be? Would it be any different?

WHATEVER.

I just can’t believe I’ve lost him to the vows of forever with this woman I haven’t even met. I just can’t believe I’ve lost him, period.

And I seriously would’ve dedicated this kick ass song to him had I been invited to the wedding (we used to have the same kick ass taste in music, among plenty others):

BUT ANYWAY. I miss you, Silent Bob. Be happy.

Advertisements

You look so good in the clothes of a poser
And when you smiled all the kids fell apart here
I know a place where it’s warm and it’s dry, dear
Let me take you there.

North of the river all the streets are the same. We can pretend that they don’t know our name. And the heat is turned all the way to full. So, don’t pretend that you don’t feel the pull.

I am trying to say

What I want to say

Without having to say . . .

You look so good in the shoes of an outcast. I kissed your throat every time they said it wouldn’t last.
But then I knew you, I knew you, I knew you.
I really knew you.

We fell apart in the parties of the empty heart
We danced the junkies in the shadows of bad modern art
We clicked our heels and we wished we were home
One more tab and your silk hits the chrome

I am trying to say

What I want to say

Without having to say . . .

Springs comes in when I’m rolling up another one. I draw the curtains in the glare of the same old sun.
We are collapsed in the act of just being here
Three blues, two greens and a beer.

I am trying to say

What I want to say

Without having to say

I

L

O

V

E

E

V

O

L

YOU.

..for a while.

Used to “look down” on people who needed to be high just to have a good time. I’m not washing my hands off the crime but I know I can do without. It was never a need. Escapism is the real culprit behind it. Life can be so grilling that by the end of the week or each day, you just want to break free.

Sometimes I think I’d be better off with a kid or something. Or a pet. God, I miss my dogs. someone that’d consume all this energy I have in me. I really have too much energy for one skinny girl, and that’s what gets me in trouble.

No, I’m not making excuses for my behavior. I’m responsible for my choices and I’m not one to point fingers. It’s all on me.

Bottomline: I had a fun night. In spite of everything. But it wasn’t me. The stupidity took over and I was a shooting star.

I’m more than glad to have burnt out in the morning. the crash, as always, is painful. and my heart breaks for the unnecessary casualties. I did what I did and that’s that.

And though I’ve no face to show for it, I’ve no regrets. Cause I understand more now. I do.

I was stupid but I’ll be fine.

***

I love it cause it makes me not care. I tend to care too much normally. Even if I don’t want to. It’s like my heart gets a life of its own and triggers a massive empathy rush. And anyone who’s in their supposed right minds would say that that’s no good. I relentlessly abuse the right side of my brain, so I really wouldn’t know.

Anyway.

So yeah. I think I’m close to unveiling what my purpose here is. It’s not gonna be something grand in earthly terms neither would they have any statues built for me long after I’m gone. No, there will be no statues in my name. That’s a total waste of art. I’m starting to accept the possibility that I would not have an easy and ordinary life. I would probably be “alone” or “single, never married, no children” in social status. I probably would never get to have all that. And it’s perfectly alright. because I will be happy where I’d be. And it would feel so right and I would be complete.

My life will be is extraordinary. It was written. I believe.

***

It was tough being a single legal alien in a city where almost all your girl friends have kids and all your guy friends have issues. Correction: It was tougher. Kids, issues, alcohol and drugs DO NOT MIX. And I just had to break away.

And in a not-so distant island, I found them. Rather, they found me.

I am yours now. So, now I won’t ever have to leave. I’ve been found out. So, now I’ll never explore.