Posts Tagged ‘awareness’

..for a while.

Used to “look down” on people who needed to be high just to have a good time. I’m not washing my hands off the crime but I know I can do without. It was never a need. Escapism is the real culprit behind it. Life can be so grilling that by the end of the week or each day, you just want to break free.

Sometimes I think I’d be better off with a kid or something. Or a pet. God, I miss my dogs. someone that’d consume all this energy I have in me. I really have too much energy for one skinny girl, and that’s what gets me in trouble.

No, I’m not making excuses for my behavior. I’m responsible for my choices and I’m not one to point fingers. It’s all on me.

Bottomline: I had a fun night. In spite of everything. But it wasn’t me. The stupidity took over and I was a shooting star.

I’m more than glad to have burnt out in the morning. the crash, as always, is painful. and my heart breaks for the unnecessary casualties. I did what I did and that’s that.

And though I’ve no face to show for it, I’ve no regrets. Cause I understand more now. I do.

I was stupid but I’ll be fine.

***

I love it cause it makes me not care. I tend to care too much normally. Even if I don’t want to. It’s like my heart gets a life of its own and triggers a massive empathy rush. And anyone who’s in their supposed right minds would say that that’s no good. I relentlessly abuse the right side of my brain, so I really wouldn’t know.

Anyway.

So yeah. I think I’m close to unveiling what my purpose here is. It’s not gonna be something grand in earthly terms neither would they have any statues built for me long after I’m gone. No, there will be no statues in my name. That’s a total waste of art. I’m starting to accept the possibility that I would not have an easy and ordinary life. I would probably be “alone” or “single, never married, no children” in social status. I probably would never get to have all that. And it’s perfectly alright. because I will be happy where I’d be. And it would feel so right and I would be complete.

My life will be is extraordinary. It was written. I believe.

***

It was tough being a single legal alien in a city where almost all your girl friends have kids and all your guy friends have issues. Correction: It was tougher. Kids, issues, alcohol and drugs DO NOT MIX. And I just had to break away.

And in a not-so distant island, I found them. Rather, they found me.

I am yours now. So, now I won’t ever have to leave. I’ve been found out. So, now I’ll never explore.

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..I haven’t been gone very long but it feels like a lifetime.

***

there is a loneliness in this world so great
that you can see it in the slow movement of
the hands of a clock.

people so tired
mutilated
either by love or no love.

people just are not good to each other
one on one.

the rich are not good to the rich
the poor are not good to the poor.

we are afraid.

our educational system tells us
that we can all be
big-ass winners.

it hasn’t told us
about the gutters
or the suicides.

or the terror of one person
aching in one place
alone

untouched
unspoken to

watering a plant.”
— Charles Bukowski (Love Is a Dog from Hell)

***

But if you stay too long inside my memory, I will trap you in a song tied to a melody and I will keep you there so you can’t bother me.

It’s sad to realize that the deeper we lose ourselves into civilization and all sorts of advancements, we become worse than the primates. What’s even sadder is no one can really do anything about it. We’re all programmed to move on and move up. And while our social status levels up, our humanity becomes yet another novelty; an outdated hippie ideal with it’s essence lost somewhere back in the 60’s.

This may sound too cliche but if it is cliche how come we never learn? Most of us know what’s going on but we still go about our days like everything’s peachy. I know I do. It’s easier to go with the flow than against it. So, forward I go. Forward, we all go. Left, right. Right, left. And we all thought the Death March ended in World War II. What a scam.

I could be overthinking (as always) but if all thought comes from some reality, then this reality is really wack for me to think so cryptically about it.

But hey, what do I know, right? I’m as guilty and as f’d up as the next person. So whatever. Peace.

***

“Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules, and they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them; disagree with them; glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do.” -Jack Kerouac