Archive for March, 2012

There’s something really weird happening to me lately. I’ve gone through hibernation/isolation periods, but nothing like this. I’m burning bridges left and right and I’m not even sure if I’m burning all the wrong ones or not. I just want to be left alone, and yet I fear getting used to the loneliness. I fear it yet I’m succumbing to it without so much as a fight. I used to fight. Used to muster all the strength in me to get out of this kind of rut. Now, I’m just… giving in. I have no fight left in me. And I don’t know what to do.

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On a lighter note, I got my Coachella kit today (plus my tax refund). For a while there I was reminded of the person I was, not too long ago. I felt joy. For the briefest moment there, I felt joy and excitement and maybe even hope. Maybe that’s exactly what I need. To get away… To get lost in my idea of heaven on earth even just for a few days. Funny thing is, after the initial excitement has worn out, I couldn’t help but think that if *he* didn’t turn out to be such a jerk, or if only I were strong enough to have kept it platonic, then *he* would’ve been the first person who’d know about my Coachella kit. *He* would’ve gotten that picture message first. But no. This is not a dream anymore. This is reality. And in my reality, he no longer exists.

And once the storm is over you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.

Still I hope. I hope that one day, this reality will prove to be so much sweeter than any of the dreams I had with my eyes shut tight. There’s no hard evidence to back this claim up, but I have to believe that all this… will make sense again. Or just something close to that. I choose to believe. Otherwise, what’s the point?

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