Archive for the ‘MUSIKA’ Category

Bluesy blues

Posted: January 7, 2017 in MUSIKA
Tags: , ,

Oh she may be weary. Young girls they do get weary…

                                      But when she gets weary, try a little tenderness.

On a merrier note, this happened. 

Someday my pain will mark you.

What might have been lost…

Don’t bother me.

The sun will shine again

Posted: February 23, 2011 in MUSIKA

Please. Thankyou.

***

LATELY…

I find that I have become quite anti-social. I shrink around groups of new people, and feel painfully timid and isolated, or sometimes, just plain bored. I have always had this tendency. Contrary to how I appear on the outside, I’ve always been a natural loner. But now I find that this side of me is starting to dominate my personality. I am becoming such a loner.

And I find that I just have zero talent for small talk. I feel like my mind just can’t grab a toe-hold when I’m engaging in idle talk or chit-chat. I also find that most of the time, I have nothing to say about anything. I don’t know why. In conversation (particularly with group conversations), I often feel like a small child on the edge of a playground trying to join a game being played by kids bigger and faster than me.

But I think at least a part of it has to do with my ADHD. That’s not all of it, though. I just find I am unable to relate to most things people talk about.

Lately, I do better with one-on-ones, and even then, I’d rather listen than talk. But I think I actually do have things to say, it’s just that the things I want to talk about are pretty introspective topics and I don’t know anyone who’d have the patience for that, especially since I haven’t quite figured myself out properly.

I’ve been going through something, I don’t quite know what it is. Something that is causing me to stagnate and become numb. I would love to be in some monastery on a mountain top right now spending my days in solitude, which makes me sound even more anti-social now. Super.

***

Okay, some Spring 2011 resolutions:

1) To start basing my self-worth not just on my achievements, but on being a loving person, and nurturing relationships that are important to me. This includes reaching out to people and letting them know that I care, which is something I pretty much neglect every year.

2) To stop being depressed about not being able to move out. The universe will deliver the resources for me to move out when the time is right, when I am ready for it. There is a reason why I am still meant to live with my family. Right now, this is something I cannot change, and so I will accept it and appreciate the situation I’m in.

3) To live within my means. To make smart purchases.

4) To buy a DSLR (if finances allow it).

5) Fly to TX this April or May to visit my Mama K.

6) KEEP IN TOUCH!

7) Two words: ‘listen’ and ‘love’.

***

As detached as I am right now, I really do miss my friends.

So today I wrote a song for you
Cause a day can get so long
And I know its hard to make it through
When you say there’s something wrong

So I’m trying to put it right
Cause I want to love you with my heart
All this trying has made me tight
And I don’t know even where to start

Maybe that’s a start

Cause you know its a simple game
That you play filling up your head with rain
And you know you are hiding from your pain
In the way, in the way you say your name

And I see you
Hiding your face in your hands
Flying so you won’t land
You think no one understands
No one understands

So you hunch your shoulders and you shake your head
And your throat is aching but you swear
No one hurts you, nothing could be sad
Anyway you’re not here enough to care

And you’re so tired you don’t sleep at night
As your heart is trying to mend
You keep it quiet but you think you might
Disappear before the end

And it’s strange that you cannot find
Any strength to even try
To find a voice to speak your mind
When you do, all you wanna do is cry

Well maybe you should cry

And I see you hiding your face in your hands
Talking bout far-away lands
You think no one understands
Listen to my hands

And all of this life
Moves around you
For all that you claim
You’re standing still
You are moving too
You are moving too
You are moving too
I will move you

Post nursing school, I knew I have set the ball of destiny rolling. I knew my life would never be the same again.

I told the universe I wanted to get into this career path I have been avoiding since birth (or so it seems), and I did. But it’s always scary when your life’s plans actually start to come true. It’s always nice to dream about what you plan to do with your life; but the moment those dreams start coming true, you know you’ve just hopped on a one-way train to the unknown, and there’s no turning back.

This chosen career path means several things to me. It means I really am committed to staying here for at least the next three or so years of my life. The foundations have been laid. This will be my home base for the next few years. And it was my decision.

It also means that I have defined what I’m going to do for the next decade or so of my life. Unlike my old advertising career which sort of just fell into my lap, this is something I actually chose. I thought about it long and hard. Everyone told me to keep writing, to not “sell out”, but in the end, I followed my gut.

It was no ordinary decision. I’ve just dived into a current, and I don’t know where it’s going to take me.

I can’t help but feel that I’m living real life now. I used to just cruise through life, not caring where it took me. Now I want to know what I’m here for. I want to know what I’m capable of doing, of becoming. Is this what our mid-twenties are all about?

Four years ago, when we were in uni, me and my friends talked only about parties, boys, alcohol, illegal substances, and rock n’ roll. Real life was something that only happened to other people.

Now we talk about three things: career, relationships, and the eternal dilemma of stretching ourselves as far as we can go versus early marriage. I’ve heard it echo from the mouths of so many of my closest female friends: “I want to see the world/ live my youth to the fullest/ see what I’m all about, but I love him and I’m afraid to leave him”. What happened to our reckless teenage years? We used to think we’d never let anything hold us back from conquering the world, and we certainly wouldn’t have let love stand in our way.

That’s another odd thought- I’m actually old enough to get married! I could do it if I wanted to, and my parents would actually take my decision seriously. When you’re young, you can be reckless with love. But at this age, the decisions you make will actually matter in the long run.

When did real life begin?

One thing I’ve learned is that the moment you come close to attaining your dream, another door opens offering you an attractive escape route, a final temptation to remain in the security of your comfort zone forever. What could be more tempting than living the life you’ve always planned, growing old safe and secure in the company of your life-long friends? But this is to test your desire and the strength of your will.

I can almost predict what my life would have turned out to be like had I stayed. I would have continued making a good but unfulfilling living with advertising because the perks are just too good to give up. During my free time, I’d dabble in a bunch of projects, or in whatever I felt like, never mind that none of them will ever really amount to anything. I’d probably never grow up. I’d marry earlier than I planned because it would seem like the sensible thing to do. After all, I had found the love of my life, hadn’t I? (Bahaha) What could be more perfect? Then somewhere along the road, I’ll start asking myself “What if?”. What if I had gone to the States? What if I had bothered to actually see what I can make of myself? But by that time, it will already have been too late to find out.

I probably would have been happy, just because I never bothered to venture outwards and see for myself if there was life outside of what I knew. It would be a happiness by default. Would I have been content? I don’t know. I know I wasn’t right before I left.

Now, here I am in the most uncertain of times. I came here not knowing anything. I’ve gotten by here on guts, and resourcefulness. I’ve started friendships that have yet to pass the test of time. After four years, I still don’t know what’s going to happen to me here, and I get a bit scared when I think of how the next years will change me. I know I will be so different from the person I was when I left. Will there be anything left waiting for me in Manila, the home of my heart?

But demmit, when have I ever felt so alive? I am in the hands of the universe. I laugh, cry, get homesick, feel lost, can’t relate to anything… but when have I ever felt so effin alive?? When else have dreams seemed so possible? When have I ever been so in tune with myself? When have I ever known, with such certainty, what I want to become?

We’re always told that we should live our own lives, but I’ve never actually felt like my life was mine til now. I know it’s mine because I chose for it to be this way. Nobody else decided for me. Nobody forced me to be here.

And I can now declare, that I don’t want my old life back anymore. That was a different phase of my life. I can never bring it back. This is a beginning.

***

I WANT (Yeah. I always get into the habit of making a mental note of what I want in a day cause I can never seem to verbalize it – at least not out loud)

… an hour-long neck, shoulder, and back massage. A HARD massage.
… to lie on the beach for an afternoon with absolutely no agenda other than to relax.

… to go on a long train ride or sit in a park all afternoon just people watching.

… to wander the city with nothing but my camera.

…to catch a really, really good live band in some non-dressy, artsy place, far away from the suburbs, where the vibe is good, the crowd is real, and the beer is cheap. I NEED live music. I need to hear live drums. I need to hear bass. I need to hear singing.

… to eat at a vegetarian resto or at least, some really good Greek pizza.

… a cozy evening of good company and alcohol.

… to watch Burlesque in the cinemas. And Harry Potter. And Black Swan.

… to buy a shitload of new books. I have nothing to read.

… to get out of the effin suburbs!!

I hate how I always feel so goddamn homesick every year at this time of year. Why? What home am I sick for anyway? It’s been four years since I last spent the holidays back in the motherland, and the last time I did in ’06 is hardly what you’d call a good memorable experience. Memorable, yeah. But definitely NOT GOOD. So why? What the fuck am I still yearning for from back home at this time of year, specifically?

The beach? The island life? Sure. But I miss that ALL THE TIME. Not just for the -ber months. So, disqualified.

My friends? Who I haven’t kept in touch with and vis-a-vis for years now save for some minor nonsensical cutesy li’l innuendos via facebook. Ugh facebook. That site is so full of shit now, it sickens me to admit that our world would seriously cease to revolve without it. It’s disgusting how we all get so dependent on it when it’s not even serving it’s main purpose in the first place. Social networking, ey? We have managed to reduce ourselves into facebook profiles we manage to garnish with occasional updates that are, more often than not, more enticing than the actual deal. Like freakin cars in a show room. And personal interactions? Write on my wall, comment on my status, heck! Tag me a photo! It’s worth a thousand words, right? And that’s excluding all subliminal messages meant to somehow elicit a reaction from a potential lover and/or ex-lover. Seriously. What have we reduced ourselves into? Facebook friends. Nothing more, nothing less. So, why would I be homesick for them?

Family? My immediate family is here. Extended families strewn all over the country – coast to coast. There’s barely enough distance to stir up sentimentality… So, no. Definitely not family.

All my dogs have passed away.

The so-called “love of my life” has gotten married and is now an expectant father – fuck that.

What else is there then?

Stripped of all these external reasons, I realize I stand alone. That’s it. I miss me. I miss myself, and the way I was back home. I miss how I used to care about something as mundane as a sidewalk Christmas bazaar – one of gazillions that litter the metro at this time of year. Or how I used to marvel at Christmas lanterns. I miss how I used to dream of a white Christmas whereas now, I just dread it. I miss my natural capacity to evoke such random joy in the faces of street children when I share a Jollibee meal with them in Starbucks, or just plain hanging out with them, asking them about school and their families… I miss how I was able to literally smell Christmas in the air back home. Try as I may, I could never smell it here. I have become desensitized somehow. And it sucks.

So, maybe it’s not the place. Neither is it the people. Nor my dogs, nor my heart.

I am homesick for me.

And I don’t know what to do about it but rant. Whoopee-doo.

***

So, WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING HERE?