Archive for November, 2016

Someday my pain will mark you.

What might have been lost…

Don’t bother me.

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Cause I always think of myself as da 💣 and cause it’s my blog and what’s the point of having one if you can’t be guiltlessly self-absorbed? And cause I don’t have a life. 

Yes it’s self promotion *patting myself on the back* but it’s also inspiration. And it’s always good to inspire goodness. God knows we all need that, times like this. Atta girl. 

If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.

Last night, I saw my 3-week old ex on this dating app called Bumble. Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse than a Donald Trump presidency… Voila! Thanks Universe. But really, who am I kidding? I’m on it too. I mean, I was on it 4 days after he dumped me. Call it self-preservation or hypocrisy but hear me out. I only went on there cause I thought he cheated on me. I have no idea what I was thinking, I don’t think anybody really does after they get their souls crushed and hearts ripped into a gazillion pieces… But yeah I know, that’s no excuse.

So anyway what is Bumble? It’s this free dating app pretty much like Tinder only with hotter boys and more female autonomy since women have to message first on their matches, actually within 24hrs, else it’s bye bye forever. This hasn’t been my first rodeo in online dating. Ask me 2 years ago and I’d be like no fuckin way. But I realized that gone are the days where people actually meet organically – may it be at a bar or at a wedding or at a party or even at work. Yes, we physically still do meet on those means but chances are those people are on some kind of dating app as well. So the overruling mentality is: why even bother? I have tons of options on (insert dating app here)/Whatever, he’s cool but I know he’s (insert dating app here) too so I won’t sweat it.

I’m sure it’s for self-preservation or the like but there’s something about trying to get yourself back out there and knowing you’d get positive responses esp cause you know it’s “cuffing season” that makes throwing yourself in the swiping dating pool feel justified. Truthfully though, it doesn’t. I knew it the moment I joined. I knew it the moment I got my first match. Knew it the moment I got my first message. Knew it the moment I got my first invite to meet. Knew it the moment I got that first number.

So, I decided. Deleted my tinder and bumble profiles, deleted those apps on my phone. I know I can never be that person who rebounds. I never have and I won’t start now. This is not a race. I’ve long since accepted that I’m always the loser in a break up (why is it breaking UP when it’s anything but up?) regardless if I initiated it or not, and that’s okay. I’m at peace with knowing that I only really entertain anyone when I know I’m rid off the baggage because everyone deserves that. Everyone deserves someone who loves them fully, not out of revenge or spite or getting even or winning, but just because. And I’m ready to hold out for that. Just as I have 4 times over.

Here’s to rebuilding and choosing love above all.

 

I dreamt my own wedding with a man I’m pretty sure I’ve never met. 

I feel the need to try and document this particular dream cause not only is it my first wedding dream in my entire almost 3 decades of existence but also because of the sheer untimeliness of it all, it’s almost cruel really. 

Untimely why? Well, first because I’m single AF. Newly single AF. The man I, up til like 3 weeks ago, was pretty sure I was going to end up marrying (primarily cause I always imagined him looking sublimely good in a suit – judge me fuckers) left me before we even had an inkling of an altar. But that’s another sob story for another glorious day. Second, I spent Friday night watching horror movies before bed time so it couldn’t have been a side effect of that… Then again, maybe it is ha! Which leads to my third and last point: it’s just improbable. At least at this point in my life. 

Not that it wasn’t a good happy wedding dream. On the contrary, it was perfect. It evoked feelings in me that I never thought I’d have. I was never one of those girls who fantasized about their dream weddings their whole lives. In fact, I actually dread weddings so much that I promised myself I’d rather elope and use the money to travel the world. 

And cause I’m not an “askhole”, I took my best friend’s advice and Googled away. 

Per dreamscloud.com

  • Getting married in a dream

    To dream you are getting married may represent your commitment to or partnership with someone or something.

  • May represent a union or merging of the masculine and feminine aspects of yourself.
  • May be wish fulfillment, if you desire to get married in waking life.
  • Your unconscious may be telling you that you have met the one you should marry.

I perused other sites but basically, they all say the same thing. Good stuff, all things considered, so I’m thankful more than anything. Hey it coulda been worse. I could’ve dreamt getting married to a vegan or something… Yikes. No offense to vegans, just not my shot of whiskey. Anyway.

I used to dream about my recent ex a lot. Not those kinda dreams, perverts. Just normal day to day stuff. I used to dream about him even when we’re sleeping next to each other. I think I even dreamt of him once or twice since the break up. Don’t laugh but I used to think it meant something. Like he really was my soul mate. Like even our souls can’t stay away from each other so we meet at some astral plane or some level of consciousness. I know I can be incredibly delusional especially when I’m in love. Then again, who’s to say I’m completely wrong/right? 

Reality. Reality does and reality bites. Good dream though. 

Yeeehaww

Posted: November 3, 2016 in Uncategorized
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Definitely, with one hand down, the girl you take home to meet Momma 😂

But… 

Yo Momma don’t like me and she likes everyone. 

It took me 2 years

Posted: November 3, 2016 in Uncategorized

…to find the courage to feel again – dramatic as that may sound. But yeah, I decided to write again.

On a side note, it’s ridiculous how much I’ve changed from 2 years ago. I don’t even remember ever feeling anything remotely close to what I’ve written about a certain someone. It’s hilarious. I don’t say this in bitterness, no, but in all honesty. See, there’s a comfort in knowing that nothing lasts forever. We all evolve. Life goes on. I only strive to still be able to recognize myself at the end of it all. 

Make blog, not war. Blogger not a fighter. To know me is to blog me. Obladi oblada 😎