4 years ago, I randomly met this guy at an East Village bar. Shortly after that initial meeting, he gave me a Christmas CD which he mixed himself and weeks after that, sent me these postcards during his travels to India. We haven’t seen nor spoken to each other in 3 years and outta the blue, he reaches out and we’re going out tomorrow! I’m gonna need Xanax for this. Wish me luck!
If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.
Last night, I saw my 3-week old ex on this dating app called Bumble. Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse than a Donald Trump presidency… Voila! Thanks Universe. But really, who am I kidding? I’m on it too. I mean, I was on it 4 days after he dumped me. Call it self-preservation or hypocrisy but hear me out. I only went on there cause I thought he cheated on me. I have no idea what I was thinking, I don’t think anybody really does after they get their souls crushed and hearts ripped into a gazillion pieces… But yeah I know, that’s no excuse.
So anyway what is Bumble? It’s this free dating app pretty much like Tinder only with hotter boys and more female autonomy since women have to message first on their matches, actually within 24hrs, else it’s bye bye forever. This hasn’t been my first rodeo in online dating. Ask me 2 years ago and I’d be like no fuckin way. But I realized that gone are the days where people actually meet organically – may it be at a bar or at a wedding or at a party or even at work. Yes, we physically still do meet on those means but chances are those people are on some kind of dating app as well. So the overruling mentality is: why even bother? I have tons of options on (insert dating app here)/Whatever, he’s cool but I know he’s (insert dating app here) too so I won’t sweat it.
I’m sure it’s for self-preservation or the like but there’s something about trying to get yourself back out there and knowing you’d get positive responses esp cause you know it’s “cuffing season” that makes throwing yourself in the swiping dating pool feel justified. Truthfully though, it doesn’t. I knew it the moment I joined. I knew it the moment I got my first match. Knew it the moment I got my first message. Knew it the moment I got my first invite to meet. Knew it the moment I got that first number.
So, I decided. Deleted my tinder and bumble profiles, deleted those apps on my phone. I know I can never be that person who rebounds. I never have and I won’t start now. This is not a race. I’ve long since accepted that I’m always the loser in a break up (why is it breaking UP when it’s anything but up?) regardless if I initiated it or not, and that’s okay. I’m at peace with knowing that I only really entertain anyone when I know I’m rid off the baggage because everyone deserves that. Everyone deserves someone who loves them fully, not out of revenge or spite or getting even or winning, but just because. And I’m ready to hold out for that. Just as I have 4 times over.
Here’s to rebuilding and choosing love above all.
And my mind plays hopscotch 