Posts Tagged ‘letting go’

I have never been the type to harbor anger or hatred against anyone or anything regardless of warrant. It’s just not in my default programming. If I know that someone or something would make me feel murderous, I deem it best to just avoid them and/or train my mind that they don’t exist. 

For the past couple of months I have been harboring ill feelings towards someone I used to think the world of. For the past couple of months, my world as I knew it has been shattered to ugly sharp shards and I’ve been bleeding from and because of them since. 

Lately, however, I’ve been feeling more like myself, breathing a little more easily, the bitterness no longer a kick in the face upon waking. I won’t go as far as saying I’ve forgiven it all or even really ready to – I know I’m not at that point yet. I’m not ready to be the bigger person just yet. I am, however, feeling less small. And that’s progress in tiny, tiny increments but progress nonetheless. 

You see, for the past year and a half, I’ve been completely devoted to this guy who I thought was the answer to all my unspoken prayers. He was everything… Everything I thought I deserved and more. He wasn’t an easy person to build a relationship with primarily because he was the textbook introvert. He claimed it’s been years since he’s had any form of romantic relationship and longer since he’s had a serious one. It was easy to believe him. He was awkward, painfully shy, and it took us months to actually have a real interaction outside of text messaging. I believed him when he said I was the only girl he’s been talking to. Believed him when he said I was the only one he’s interested in. Believed him when he said I changed his life for the better, that I “saved” him. I drank that all in, my ego bursting at its seams. I loved the adoration, anybody would. Anyone who’d claim otherwise is a bonafide shithead. There were red flags that sprouted along the way but I saw them as challenges for me to overcome, and in some ways I did and everytime I convinced myself that I’ve successfully broken down one of his numerous walls, I felt better. I felt accomplished. Conquering his demons made me feel like I was the best version of myself and in a way, I was. I still believe I was my best self with him. No, I was far from perfect but I was patient, loyal, devoted, affectionate, attentive, appreciative, considerate, loving, understanding – all fiercely to a fault. Part of it, I guess, was fear of making the same stupid mistakes I did in past relationships and end up losing him like so. I feared losing him not cause I feared being alone. I feared losing him because something in me kept telling me I shouldn’t. But I lost him anyway.

Backtrack to 4 months ago sometime in August. I noticed a change in him, rather my gut was telling me something was off. I talked to him about it and he assured me that “everything is okay, everything’s going to be alright. Don’t worry.” But the feeling lingered. I remember it becoming so strong at times even when he was beside me that I literally felt sick to my stomach. I ignored it, thinking I was just being paranoid or whatever. Fast forward to October, I found out he’s been flirting (and god knows what else) with this girl since the beginning of summer. Another Filipina who I happen to have a shit ton of mutual friends with. That was a fuckin slap to the face because 1) he made me believe that one of the major setbacks in our relationship was due to the fact that I’m Filipina aka non white and he fears I won’t fit in his family, and 2) he managed to fuckin play me so exquisitely, my head’s still reeling from the fuckery of it all. Of course I confronted him about it and predictably enough, got labeled as crazy and “not knowing what I’m talking about” and “shame on me.” I ended up apologizing like the fool that I am. While he, well, he didn’t even bother explaining. He just sat back and reveled in the idiot show that I was. But as with all truths, his bullshit was soon revealed. I was right all along. Right on the fuckin money, it’s insane. 

Every piece just fell into place. Everything started making sense. The changed behavior, the sudden coldness, his cruelty towards me the last morning we saw each other, his willingness to give up on us… He saw the grass on the other side and thought it to be greener. 

In spite of the hurt and the almost daily fantasies of destroying his face, I have come to the realization that he simply made a choice. I just happened to be collateral damage. In spite all this, I still believe that no one makes a choice to intentionally hurt someone but being faced with one already guarantees that someone somehow will be hurt regardless. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. He made his bed and is now lying in it or with it or on it. Ugh. 

As I’ve said earlier, I am not in any way ready to be the bigger person but I believe I’m getting there. I realized that none of us know what the hell we’re doing and we’re all just really doing the best we can and that includes him. I will keep reminding myself of this everyday til I get to the point when I can finally forgive and sing that Adele song “Send My Love to Your New Lover” and truly mean it. Until then, he can go fuck himself (even if he obviously doesn’t have to. Ugh).

Loving someone who abused that love doesn’t make me a victim. It just makes me someone who’s capable of real love – requitted or not. I forgive myself for that. I am proud of myself for that.

Took some time and guts to finally write about this… Okay, I feel better now. 

PS. TRUST YOUR INTUITION. Always. No exceptions.  


..for a while.

Used to “look down” on people who needed to be high just to have a good time. I’m not washing my hands off the crime but I know I can do without. It was never a need. Escapism is the real culprit behind it. Life can be so grilling that by the end of the week or each day, you just want to break free.

Sometimes I think I’d be better off with a kid or something. Or a pet. God, I miss my dogs. someone that’d consume all this energy I have in me. I really have too much energy for one skinny girl, and that’s what gets me in trouble.

No, I’m not making excuses for my behavior. I’m responsible for my choices and I’m not one to point fingers. It’s all on me.

Bottomline: I had a fun night. In spite of everything. But it wasn’t me. The stupidity took over and I was a shooting star.

I’m more than glad to have burnt out in the morning. the crash, as always, is painful. and my heart breaks for the unnecessary casualties. I did what I did and that’s that.

And though I’ve no face to show for it, I’ve no regrets. Cause I understand more now. I do.

I was stupid but I’ll be fine.


I love it cause it makes me not care. I tend to care too much normally. Even if I don’t want to. It’s like my heart gets a life of its own and triggers a massive empathy rush. And anyone who’s in their supposed right minds would say that that’s no good. I relentlessly abuse the right side of my brain, so I really wouldn’t know.


So yeah. I think I’m close to unveiling what my purpose here is. It’s not gonna be something grand in earthly terms neither would they have any statues built for me long after I’m gone. No, there will be no statues in my name. That’s a total waste of art. I’m starting to accept the possibility that I would not have an easy and ordinary life. I would probably be “alone” or “single, never married, no children” in social status. I probably would never get to have all that. And it’s perfectly alright. because I will be happy where I’d be. And it would feel so right and I would be complete.

My life will be is extraordinary. It was written. I believe.


It was tough being a single legal alien in a city where almost all your girl friends have kids and all your guy friends have issues. Correction: It was tougher. Kids, issues, alcohol and drugs DO NOT MIX. And I just had to break away.

And in a not-so distant island, I found them. Rather, they found me.

I am yours now. So, now I won’t ever have to leave. I’ve been found out. So, now I’ll never explore.

“i’m sorry.”

thousands of miles away. time zones in reverse. the last day of all last days. before the fireworks. before the final curtain drop. we were one. we were connected. and though it’s just by audio, it has been the first of many firsts. and that made me believe him more.

he sealed the happy in my new year. so much so, the heavens decided to give me a new year’s kiss.

from somebody else’s lips.

the apologies ended with the year.

the first time, i was very much still a girl. i didn’t know any better. i gave and took everything that i shouldn’t have. i did not know any better. i thought he had all the answers. i thought that if i just let him take the lead for a while, i’d have it all figured out too. but he didn’t have the answers. he was also very much still a boy. despite his track record, he still did not know any better. at least not in the way i thought he had. so i had to lead us to the exit. and on the opposite sides of the theater that staged our play, we walked on.

the second time, i tried to still be that girl. i tried to make it seem like i know better. i gave everything i felt i should. i gave to the last drop. i tried to know better. i felt he had all the answers. i felt that if i just let him take my hand and walk side by side, we’d have it all figured out. but he, too, didn’t have the answers. he was also very much still a boy. despite his short list of long term episodes, he still did not know any better. we tried to teach each other to the point of tears, he and i. we tried so hard to fight off the oncoming end. but the curtain has already fallen, separating us. one half revealed, the other concealed in the shadows. the applause echoes on. blaring like a thousand beatings against my soul. i can hear it still even in slumber. even in the arms of another.

i tried to play two distinct roles, thinking that i would pull it off in the next one. the first time, i took more than i gave. and i failed. the second time, i gave and i gave and i gave. i still failed. sala sa init. sala sa lamig. what role is left for me to play then?

to you, my third (and hopefully my last) shot at this charade – pardon me. i have tried to be the last one, twice. and twice i failed. i’d still try to build up the woman in me. i’d still try to believe that you exist. i’d still try to keep the leading role open for you and only you. if ever you’d come around… when you come around, again.

While my heart goes all out for you,
my mind goes out to someone else.

What weighs more then?
Who’s worth more?

You have my heart, you are in my heart;
Someone else has my mind; is always in my mind…

What weighs more then?
Who’s worth more?

If the heart is but an instrument of the mind, then there’s no reason why you shouldn’t rule my mind. But I found my own reason. Rather, that reason has caught up with me, with us.
Still you have my heart, you are very much still in my heart;
Though someone else is overruling my mind.

If the heart is but an instrument of the mind, then there’s no reason why he shouldn’t be ruling my heart. But I have my own reason. Rather, that reason has always and would always have me.
Still he has my mind, he is very much in my mind;
Though you are the king of my heart.

What weighs more then?
Who’s worth more?