Archive for March, 2013

Posted: March 15, 2013 in Uncategorized

I was dazed in a corner half-dying somewhere at 2 in the morning when this gnawing boomerang of a thought hit me again: I’m tired of this shit. And the one person I genuinely want to spend time with – miraculously, I’ve found myself a person I not only tolerate but actually really like for all the right reasons I can allow myself to like somebody – and he’s away most of the time. Well, that’d be an understatement. He’s away ALL the time. Which is great, knowing how much I go crazy over guys who have their own thing… I like independent, non-needy guys. Always have. So, I don’t know why I find myself wishing I’m just vegging out with him, staying in, doing nothing as opposed to the usual crazy night out. I fuckin hate this feeling. I thought distance was good, that it would protect me, prevent me from the annoying dangers of attachment… It used to before. How come everything’s changing now? Goddamn this shit.

I’m too confused to be articulate right now, but I gotta write it out somehow.

Do I miss him? I don’t know. How can I possibly miss someone I just met? Heck, I don’t even know the guy and vice-versa. It’s not like I don’t have any “distractions” – I do. It’s just not cutting it anymore. Is it the timing or the person? Do I just happen to be finally on the verge of that zone or there’s just something about him that’s different (then again, they all start out that way) – or both? Demmit Sunshine, when will you ever learn?

I know it’s an awful thought but I can’t help but think that every guy sees me as someone who’s good enough to fuck but not good enough to love. It’s a terribly insecure thought but I can’t totally bash myself for thinking this way when my track record shows exactly that. Had a conversation with one of my girl friends and she expressed the same concern towards herself – same exact. Good enough to fuck but not good enough to love. Almost everyone here seems to be fine with that or maybe they’ve just gotten used to just that that they all think it’s how it’s supposed to be when it’s really not. I refuse to surrender to such a fate but it just gets so hard to fight against it sometimes. I’m not an easy girl. It takes a while for me to give it up. But when I do decide to make love with somebody I do so cause I’m at that point when I actually believe that it would be different – until it’s not.

I don’t know how this thing with me and iron man should or should not progress. All I know is I haven’t liked anybody this way and this much since D, and that’s saying a lot. So, basically I’m fucked.

Let the good times roll.

***

Happy birthday to my beloved dog, Gabe. She woulda been 11. I miss her every day.

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