Posts Tagged ‘learning’

Told myself I’d stop writing here but here I am – I have discipline issues.

Writing’s cathartic and I find myself overly zealous about it especially when I’m on emotional turmoil. Did I suddenly become free of all life’s mess that I wasn’t compelled to write at all? I daresay not. But I did fall in love. Was in a real exclusive monogamous relationship for quite some time there with the very person I’ve come to fill these pages about. It was like a fairytale and “shit did become magical.” You’ve all probably heard/read about it from so and so’s sister’s cousin’s friend, like an urban legend of sorts. Girl meets boy in NYC, sparks fly, became FWB then best friends with benefits, blurred lines, unrequited crap, boy relocates, lines get blurrier (more blurry?), girl gets heart smashed, blocks boy outta her life, boy comes back, they go to coachella, romance ignites, boy proposes love, girl accepts, they coupled up and lived happily ever after. BZZZZT. Wrong ending, try again.

Truth is, it was some sort of a twisted modern fairytale as far as twisted modern fairytales go. I was involved in an intense long distance relationship with my best friend over the course of six months. Although the sitch clearly wasn’t ideal, we were that in love with each other – like all other LDR couples are I assume – to surrender to our ideals and naivete and vowed to break all the notions that LDR’s do not work. And I guess, in retrospect, we really kinda did. Yes, distance was ultimately in my opinion the main killer but only because we let it. Rather, I let it. I let it eat me up to the point that I lost who I was and who I wanted to be for him, for our relationship, for myself. I got eaten up, ate it right back, and vomited all over the beauty of it all. I subconsciously succumbed to the negativity and the hardships rather than the positivy and the benefits and in turn, contributed greatly to our untimely demise. Beauty gone Beast.

I can’t even bare to muster how much of a monster I have been for the last two months of our relationship. I never understood the degree of hurt and frustration I put this person through, this person who I love with all my heart and soul and has done nothing but love me in the same intensity or even greater in spite of myself. D sure had his flaws and I have to admit that as minor as they are, they still played their role effectively in waking up this darkness in me. This darkness that I didn’t even know existed – insecurities, immaturities, unreasonable expectations and demands… Basically your age-old recipe for disaster. I knew it affected him, of course. He was always completely honest about it. I just failed to see how horrible I’ve gotten to the point that what could’ve been salvageable had I been a better girl friend/better person the last couple of months became the final straw for him. He told me he was already expecting it, that it really didn’t surprise him, that he kind of knew I would go crazy again despite multiple promises to be otherwise, despite his highest hopes that I wouldn’t… But I did. I so did. And he did what he had to do.

Even so, it came like a shocking blow to me when I finally slapped myself awake from the haze of my own selfishness and saw what I’ve done. I singlehandedly managed to lose the one person I never wanted to lose. I managed to destroy the one thing I’ve been anticipating and manifesting and praying for for close to 4 years now. I guess I wanted to be with him so bad, I put myself in all kinds of pressure to keep him that I managed to overlook one vital thing: he loved me exactly for me.

It’s been a day since that make or break week in Mexico. Four days since we broke up. If you would think being in a foreign, virtually non-english speaking country with your ex-bf whom you still love with the unwavering intensity, spending every waking moment with him, sharing the same hotel room in a paradise beach resort, sleeping in the same bed, sharing meals and countless tequila-infused drinks, knowing it’s over when you could’ve easily prevented it, aching to touch him and be that close to him again when you were exactly doing just that mere days ago or even hours ago, aching to the point that you just clutch your chest as if preventing your heart’s broken pieces from puncturing your skin, to the point of shaking yourself awake from the nightmarish situation you doomed yourselves in, bending your mind so that somehow you can turn back the time and say “Okay” when he said “Please babe let’s not fight about this” and just hugging him and telling him sorry and that you love him… If you think that’s torture, bet your bottom dollar it was. It truly was. That kind of ongoing regret when you know you could’ve easily turned it all around by the things you could’ve said or did but somehow chose not to makes you question why you’re regretting it when your actions obviously proved that you wanted that to happen. I can never fully grasp the power of one’s subconscious but mine was obviously powerful enough to compel me to walk away when I know and was fully aware that I could’ve just let it go and stayed.

I wanted to be with him, 100%. I still do. I love him without question. I know he’s that person for me. I know the last thing I want is to lose him again but I managed to do that anyway. Deep inner issues are obviously at hand and I know now I have to deal with them myself independent of him. He knew this. And though I know it’s some sort of relief for him to be without me, I do believe that he sincerely would’ve preferred otherwise. He stayed with me the entire time, had really in depth conversations about my deep-seated issues and why they sprung up. And though I know it killed him every second he was with me (because it killed me too), I saw and experienced for the first time in my mess of a life what it’s like to be truly loved and cared for in that way, you know, when “I really love/care for you” are just not empty words… That kind of self-sacrifice became such a beacon of light for me enough to believe that maybe I’m not that bad after all; that despite my unbelievable fuck-ups, I must’ve done something right. You don’t just get that unconditional kind of love/care from another person out of nowhere… I must’ve done something right.

I held out for that one person I always knew I wanted. I didn’t settle for anybody who just happened to be there. I was loved for all the reasons a person could and should be loved. I’m still so amazed by his capacity to love I can only wish I expressed my appreciation enough.

From a text convo I had with my best girl friend earlier:

K: Seriously why is this love shit so hard? Is it bc we’ve evolved into such neurotics? I bet our parents were too busy surviving to deal with shit like this

Me: Seriously!!! You know how we feel so bad for them for marrying so young n missing out? Maybe that’s how it’s really supposed to be… Pick the one you want, commit, do everything in your power to make it with each other. We’ve all become so fearful n I don’t know why

K: Yeah we got it all wrong

Me: Or maybe not haha who knows really. You know what though? When D stayed with me the entire time despite being broken up n hurt, for the first time I kind of got a glimpse of how it must be like to be married. Like you just stay together no matter what

K: Yes! It’s supposed to be like that!

Me: Even if you just wanna escape, you stay. Even if being with that person in the same room kills you, you stay. And when I realized that, maybe it’s really not so bad… Now I kinda understand why marriage is so impt to a lot of people

K: We sound crazy. All understanding the idea but not actually doing it

Oh man. Still don’t know where to go from here. I’m still so broken. But I owe it to myself, to him, and to the goodness of what we had to heal. I fully intend to heal but I know i have to forgive myself first.

I couldn’t even begin to fathom how the future looks like or how I would feel if it stares me in the face tomorrow or next month, six months from now, 30 years from now. I guess I just have to have faith that no matter what it is, I will be strong and whole enough to face it and not break down. And smile. Should be enough resolution for tonight at least.

…I just crush a lot.

No. It’s not one of those “that’s what he said/she said” kinda thing. I say I’m not a player because I’m really not. I’m more of that Nelly Furtado song.. “I’m like a bird. I only fly away…” Yeah. Cheesy but true. Err.. closest to truth, rather.

But first… WHO THE HELL AM I?

I’m just another 12-year old kid trapped in the image of a 20-something year old girl/woman/lady/what-have-you. I was born and raised overseas but is currently a citizen of the East Coast. I reside in dirty Jerz but I’m practically a citizen of Manhattan. Oh yes, yes. The one and only concrete jungle. Patron to Sex and the City, The Godfather, Lady Liberty, RENT, the fat overpaid bastards of the Mets and the Yankees, Lady Gaga and all that good stuff. Though I am very tempted to say that I actually write for a living, I won’t. There’s no point in that kind of deception. I won’t go into specifics but I am somewhere in the chain of the unglamorous ones of the health care industry. Call me a sellout but hey, whatever pays the bills.

Throughout the course of this 4-year journey, I’ve encountered quite a number of shocks – culturally, spiritually, emotionally, and yes, physically. ALL of which left a bitter aftertaste that just became somewhat sweeter in time. Bottomline: It wasn’t easy. I did not build my defenses, to say the least. They just naturally developed and before I knew it, I had this infallible fortress. And even without being conscious of it, my defenses have become so strong against the mostly malicious advances of this world that I became exactly like the enemy. Overprotection corrupts, even if the original intent is of a noble nature. In keeping the best parts of me well-hidden, I project this kind of monstrous image which directly contrasts with who I really am. No one here knows me. They all claim to, of course, but how couldn’t they? What everyone else sees is but a projection of ourselves. And bad as it seems to be known as a she-jerk, a douchebaguette, and every other name in the book, I just have to reconcile with the fact that it’s my own will that made me be the way that I am perceived. It’s nobody’s fault but mine.

So, I start this “documentation” precisely because I want to be more aware and in turn, be more wary of what I’d choose to project to whom. Is this place really full of assholes or is it just me? Or both? Or neither.

Before I do that, allow me to purge some of my earlier thoughts from another source that I’ve been wanting to trash soon as the aforementioned purpose has been served. I want me, more than anyone, to ride my train of thought from the start right to this very point. And for all who happen to hop on, be comforted with the truth that even monsters have hearts.

Thankyouverykind.

..I haven’t been gone very long but it feels like a lifetime.

***

there is a loneliness in this world so great
that you can see it in the slow movement of
the hands of a clock.

people so tired
mutilated
either by love or no love.

people just are not good to each other
one on one.

the rich are not good to the rich
the poor are not good to the poor.

we are afraid.

our educational system tells us
that we can all be
big-ass winners.

it hasn’t told us
about the gutters
or the suicides.

or the terror of one person
aching in one place
alone

untouched
unspoken to

watering a plant.”
— Charles Bukowski (Love Is a Dog from Hell)

***

But if you stay too long inside my memory, I will trap you in a song tied to a melody and I will keep you there so you can’t bother me.

So what do I do when I’m down and out?
I get up and roam around
And start thinking about
What matters to me.
And what it means for me to be
A perfect human being

Then I ask myself
I try to be responsible.
Is it impossible?
Can I truly be indestructible?

And then “he” strolled into my life.
Destroyed me, With a gait so heavenly
“He” ran his fingers through my hair
Revealed those eyes, More pure than fair

I know what it is. I’ve figured it out. It may be a bit premature. Some misconceptions and lack of experience, I’m sure. But when it happens, it happens. I’ve cracked the code. And it starts with inspiration.

A belief. It’s a feeling that makes a person believe in things he or she can’t explain.

I don’t exactly know why
But “he” smiled. And so did I.
Earth stops while I sigh
To recite to me a lullaby

I heard things beyond hearing
Once the world grew quiet for us
And with no fuss
My vision cleared.

Believing. Then seeing.
Nirvana and prayer
“He” dismisses my gaze
And continues singing.

Is this love? It has to be. “He” looks at me not. Love is, after all, a one-way street. And I fear sometimes we’re going the wrong way. “He” may not look. But the point is…I will always look after “him.”

It’s PERFECT. Everything in my life falls into place. THAT’S love. A sense that whatever it is I’m doing; it’s right. The things in my soul… they’re there for a reason.

His voice cracks.
The chord breaks.
The song is ruined.
I blink.

Snap out of it. Maybe it was TOO GOOD to be true. NO.

IT WASN’T.

True love is a broken chord. You realize he has FLAWS. Makes MISTAKES. But he doesn’t care. And, now, NEITHER DO I.

IMAGINE. He realizes his mistake and he smiles. And so do you. And it makes him even more beautiful because you realize that love doesn’t have to be perfect. It’s a SONG that solely has a meaning for you. And he makes life more beautiful because you realize he’s just like you. He falls. He’s also afraid. But that doesn’t conquer him. And this gives you courage.

He’s heavenly but not from Heaven.
An angel that stands in front of you. Not God.
And reminds you.

And brings life and love down to Earth. “He” makes love possible. I make life possible. Makes it a reality. Like bringing a painting to life, “we” vivify art and the culmination of everything beautiful too unbelievable to see, too good to dream.

So Love? I only have a faint idea. But I’ve experienced it.

LOVE is when one feels that moment of the deepest, most profound inspiration in not only him or herself, but the world around them.

It’s okay. Love is imperfect. And so is life.
And will continue to be even if somehow, one day, the public has enough sense to place themselves in the shoes of their fellow peers. Understand one another. Because that’s what it’s about. It’s not politics. It’s not something the government has control over. It’s not continuous research on a topic that is constantly changing. It’s PERSPECTIVE.

So, I’m saying I choose IMPERFECTION. Rather than advance, I CHOOSE to EVOLVE.

Learning to love life by living through loss and mistakes
Lessons learned then gradually surfacing
Letting go, stripping naked to scream
I am not perfect, nor do I strive to be

I am alive in this world of face-first falls and public breakdowns
I’m a retarded, disfigured clown
Dying to be heard for the simple art of letting this heavy wall finally fall
I’m an equal being of no race or color
A hallucination, if you will
Sneaking into the lives of strangers and letting them fall apart
To a new rhythm, just to feel better.

-Blue October