Posts Tagged ‘suffering’

I can’t remember the last time I cried for a patient. Working in health care/medical field kinda desensitizes you after a while, and I don’t mean being less empathic or caring – that dying on the inside never stops. But as with anything you continuously get exposed to or expose yourself to, you develop a tolerance, some muscle, a defense tactic so natural it’s almost by reflex, all to make you seem tougher than you really are or would care to admit. It’s a defense thing. And in a profession where you have to deal with human despair day in and day out, any kind of wall is a must to keep one’s sanity intact.

I haven’t cried for and with a patient in a while. At least not openly. Not til today. I just don’t understand how someone should suffer that much. In nursing school, they instructed us to relate to our patients as if they’re our loved ones – our parents, siblings, daughters, sons, etc. I thought and still think that that’s the most ridiculous thing ever. Objectivity goes out the window along with rationality and level-headedness and keeping cool once love is involved. No projection of any sort is advisable at least not in my book. This is why I can never work in pediatrics or with animals. I know with absolute certainty how attached I could get so better stay away. 

So I don’t know why this particular man, what with all the patients I’ve encountered in similar dire circumstances, got to me, like really got to me to the point of crying like a little bitch while renderring wound care (who does that?!). Somehow and I don’t know why but I started thinking if he was my dad, I would sell my soul to the devil just so we can trade places. I found myself thinking, nobody, nobody deserves to suffer as much as this man is suffering right now. I found myself apologizing to him cause I couldn’t give him a higher dose of pain medication though he probably didn’t understand a damn thing I said seeing how delirious he was with pain and meds and being kept alive when every bone in his body is screaming “I want out!”… that kind of despair and helplessness, that’s hell right there. 

I’m sorry Mr. G, I’m sure you’re a really good person and a good father seeing as how your children are so devoted to keeping you alive (forgive them for they don’t know what they do). As I’ve said earlier in this post, love blinds and makes idiots of us all.

I like being a nurse but godddamn I hate this part.