catch-22

Posted: March 14, 2014 in Uncategorized

The hardest thing I ever had to learn that I find myself stuck constantly in the learning process is to not take things personally. I’ve long been aware that the sun doesn’t revolve around me yet I still manage to react as if it does. I’m hardly what anyone would call a selfish or narcissistic person but when something affects me – personal or not – it hurts just as well. How can you depersonalize pain? I’m not selfish or narcissistic but I am highly sensitive and if you hurt me, I will take it personally. I’m not a goddamn robot. I know it will benefit me and everyone around me if I manage to train myself to live like one but what good is that? I’ll be keeping the peace, be known as a mature adult, sure, but at what price? I want to learn to not take everything personally because admittedly no good can come out of behaving otherwise but not at the expense of my feelings. Maybe being a feeling type of person will always be the root of my downfall but maybe it’s also the very core of what makes me, me.

I’m beginning to understand why so and so decided to bail on Coachella. I tried putting myself in his shoes and knowing how I am and the supposed effect I have on people at least on the surface, I would’ve bailed too. Because it will be too much. From how I know him and how he still knows me, it will be too much. I understand now.

Thing is, I will never come to this kind of enlightened understanding had I been impersonal about it. So what gives?

I am finally quitting though. Personally, I don’t want to. Ever. Objectively, I have to. I’ve battled myself into a corner and there’s no other move but to surrender. Life is like a chess board. Sometimes you gotta hang your Queen for a knight/bishop/rook to enter a winning pawn end game. Sometimes you gotta sacrifice your Q for a checkmate. Plus I’m really beyond exhausted of feeling this defeated. I’m so deaf of hearing my thoughts on this and my inebriated broken record of a blabber to my friends and/or strangers who, for some reason, still care enough to listen. I’m tired. I’m done.

Let the good times roll.

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