The sun will shine again

Posted: February 23, 2011 in MUSIKA

Please. Thankyou.

***

LATELY…

I find that I have become quite anti-social. I shrink around groups of new people, and feel painfully timid and isolated, or sometimes, just plain bored. I have always had this tendency. Contrary to how I appear on the outside, I’ve always been a natural loner. But now I find that this side of me is starting to dominate my personality. I am becoming such a loner.

And I find that I just have zero talent for small talk. I feel like my mind just can’t grab a toe-hold when I’m engaging in idle talk or chit-chat. I also find that most of the time, I have nothing to say about anything. I don’t know why. In conversation (particularly with group conversations), I often feel like a small child on the edge of a playground trying to join a game being played by kids bigger and faster than me.

But I think at least a part of it has to do with my ADHD. That’s not all of it, though. I just find I am unable to relate to most things people talk about.

Lately, I do better with one-on-ones, and even then, I’d rather listen than talk. But I think I actually do have things to say, it’s just that the things I want to talk about are pretty introspective topics and I don’t know anyone who’d have the patience for that, especially since I haven’t quite figured myself out properly.

I’ve been going through something, I don’t quite know what it is. Something that is causing me to stagnate and become numb. I would love to be in some monastery on a mountain top right now spending my days in solitude, which makes me sound even more anti-social now. Super.

***

Okay, some Spring 2011 resolutions:

1) To start basing my self-worth not just on my achievements, but on being a loving person, and nurturing relationships that are important to me. This includes reaching out to people and letting them know that I care, which is something I pretty much neglect every year.

2) To stop being depressed about not being able to move out. The universe will deliver the resources for me to move out when the time is right, when I am ready for it. There is a reason why I am still meant to live with my family. Right now, this is something I cannot change, and so I will accept it and appreciate the situation I’m in.

3) To live within my means. To make smart purchases.

4) To buy a DSLR (if finances allow it).

5) Fly to TX this April or May to visit my Mama K.

6) KEEP IN TOUCH!

7) Two words: ‘listen’ and ‘love’.

***

As detached as I am right now, I really do miss my friends.

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