Chronicles of heartaches past

Posted: August 24, 2010 in Uncategorized

What now?

***

Last Winter…

I had to travel across the globe to another continent to find you.
In the city of cities, where you’re bound to get lost amidst a swarm of lost souls and zombies in suits and desperate hearts.. I found my way instead. Deep in the trenches of this concrete jungle where faces are nameless and places are venues of foreplay.. A hedonistic paradiso where the hungry come to feed.. What are the chances?
In the core of chaos I found my peace. And he found me.
Surreal yet oh so amazingly real.

I am ready.

***

Last Fall…

Today, he’s just some random guy my friends met @ some random bar in the city. And if I make it thru today, tomorrow he’ll still be that same random bloke as he was yesterday, just a bit more anonymous.

One day at a time.

And you never happened.

“I’m sorry, … who?”

Mission fuckin accomplished.

***

Last Summer..

At the end of the night, it all really kind of hurts. Not so much the rejection, no. I can practically be the poster child for rejects. It’s not that I don’t learn. I’m just not afraid to put myself out there I guess. I can’t stand lying to myself. So whatever. Hold breath, feel the sting, breathe out, and move on.
Yes it hurt that it had to be my kin. But whose to blame? It runs in the family. Lol. Again, it’s inevitable. I knew I was headed for a crash. I already felt the blow way before it actually hit. But hey, whatever makes ’em happy.
What hurt the most was the slap on my face when I finally realized the truth that he was never a friend to me as much or even close to the friend that I so freely and genuinely have been to him. He was never there for me nor will he ever be. I feel so foolish for taking the bait, believing it was real.
I never cried in the restroom of a bar before. I was never that dramatic. Neither have I felt so totally alone that I had to comfort and compose myself behind those walls. Never have I also, not even in my wildest imagination, thought that I would ever have to drive to the city of cities not laughing or hyping up to my party jams but with tears streaming down my face. It’s a pathetic picture that I just had to be shot for.
There really is a first time for everything.

Okay. Next!

***

Last Spring…

You have become to me what she is to you.

Congratulations.

Hope you get your happy ever after.

***

So now everyone knows.
Because now I’m sure.
I’m sorry sorry sorry.

Dejavu limbo.
I’ve been here before.
Revisiting the unrequitted.
Been a while.
Nonetheless familiar.

In a perfect world
I would be she
And she, I.

But I’d rather be real.

Can we at least stay friends?

“In a perfect world when you are she, and she is you.”

Ouch.

***

Nothin but booze in my system and the blues in my mind.

Blue Moon nights.

I sold my soul for a bottle of booze and some good ol’ blues.

Blue Moon nights. Blue Moon life.

On those rare moments in the backseat, music blazing from front to back and all around, and the wind… Oh the wind.

Seduces my soul.

But my body, the foolish thing, latches on like an anchor to a wreckage of a city in the bottom of the deepest sea. Foolish thing holdin on to worldly things like Fool’s gold.

I know the wind will win someday.

***

Last last Fall…

dear asshole,

guess what? i know what you’ve been up to. i know about her. i know about the two of you.

hope you’re happy together. and please tell her to stop asking her friend to view my page. it’s pathetic.

i’m curious… does it feel good to fuck her in the same bed we shared? how about a quickie with the clothes i gave you still on? does it feel so good or at all?

guess what asshole. everything you think you can share with her is and will just be a poor replica of everything i shared with you. starry starry nights? tss.. luma na yan brad! palitan mo naman. i dare you to try.

in fairness, she looks like she’s perfect for you. she looks like a mother figure – literally. and you, the big baby that you are. ha!

i’m missing someone. hope you’re glad to know it’s no longer you. matagal nang hindi tsong. guess you were right about me all along. and i’ve been so damn right about you. quits lang.

the only thing i’m truly sorry for was having to waste my everything with a waste like you. never again will i be so stupid. have a nice life, bitch.

PS: and you had the gall to point a finger at me when all the while it’s you who’s been on the downlow. mahiya ka sa sarili mo.

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