world domination (february 2007)

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everytime i see new pics of my jetsetting friends on friendster or get to read about yet another travel adventure on their blogs, i can’t help but ask myself: what the hell am i still doing here? oh yeah, i’m not qualified to be one of them. silly me to even question that. bitter much? nah.

sarcasm aside, i am happy for them. no green-eyed monster lurking beneath whatsoever. it’s more of knowing what i really want and getting it versus knowing and accepting what i’m really meant for. the age-old fate/destiny issue. because i tried, gave it my best shot (to the point of “reinvention” i.e. personality do-over) – twice. and thrice i missed. the first two, i came so close – just a medical away – from take-off. the third time, i didn’t even bother to hope. i just let myself get dragged into trying again but my spirit’s no longer in it. consecutive failures can do that to you. just when you think you’re iron-clad, something big is bound to hit and break you into pieces. til you finally resign to the thought that it’s just not meant to be.

still, the fighter in me can’t help but think that maybe i’m just being tested; do i really want to leave everything behind for a career up in the skies or is it just a bad case of wanderlust i’m trying to cure? i really wouldn’t know either way if, 1) i don’t try again, and 2) i fail again without knowing why or how. but that’s just stupid cuz if i do fail again, then it’d be really obvious dontcha think?

lately, friends have been informing me of FA openings and coaxing me to go to screenings with them. of course, i get all excited and tell them “sure! i’ll give it a go” blah blah til reality sinks in: i like my life now. i really do. it’s not as fab as traveling all over the world with monthly 6-figure tax free pay checks to afford an ala Paris Hilton lifestyle. i’m just another overworked and underpaid advertising slave earning just enough to make ends meet. it’d probably take me years to save for a euro trip, but who cares? at least i still have that dream to keep me going.

people who claim to want the best for me, those who really don’t know any better, would say that i’m throwing my life away. that i’m not making the most of what i have and that i’m not grateful. i just let them talk, apply the art of selective listening, say thanks but no, thanks. they’re intentions are good, sure. but no one can tell me what’s best for me but me. and right now, what’s best for me is being right here. sticking it out with someone who’s working as hard for us to not just survive, but to LIVE. nothing compares to that.

i still dream of conquering the world someday. my world domination plans are just too good to be put to waste. ha! ;p

let’s just say, i’m taking my time in finding the right ally. cause i don’t wanna fail in that. and i won’t. promise.


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