time space warp (june 2009)


It amazes me to realize that the people who have touched my heart the most were once strangers — they to me, and I to them. With their loyalty, they become like kin, closer even than the ones who I’m tied to by blood. So it’s no surprise to me that I’ve shed more tears for the loss of a dear friend than for a relative. Naturally. The former made me feel I truly mattered. They’re the ones who stuck around, who gave me their best, even if I still haven’t made a single cent to my name.. even if I remain a nobody to the rest.

Sometimes when the situation bids me to be strong, it scares me to suddenly notice that I’m becoming too tough, too numb, my eyes seemingly frozen, I feel almost inhuman. Then the moment of truth. And frozen eyes are bound to melt. At that point I know I’m still all good. At that moment, I know I can never be too tough for tears, that i’m still such a crybaby, julie tearjerky… What a relief!

If you take just a few minutes to “enjoy the view” and look a little bit closer at the people around you, you’d be surprised to see a side of each one you won’t normally see on a regular basis, a rather distinct “abnormality” of sorts. It could be something positive which can be a whole lot comforting to know. It could be something so shitty, it’d make your perception of that person spin a whole 360 before dropping to ground zero and vice-versa. The human being is a highly interesting animal. And being one yourself, you just gotta love ‘em – horns and all.

The most rewarding part would definitely be the breaking down of misconceptions, the part when you thank God you were wrong; to know that in spite the changes in geography and lifestyle, he or she is still the same person you’ve laughed and cried with… the bond remains unbroken, as if it were just yesterday since you’ve last spoken to each other. Everything back to normal in a snap. No explanations, no reconciliations needed. Just being at the same place at the same time — a sharing of space – is all it takes. And I loved every square inch, every second of it.

..it saddens me to suddenly realize that in every year that is added to my age, more people voluntarily exile themselves from my life. what really sucks is, i’m always the last to know. left with no other choice, but to let them go. even when it’s hell — my heart is filled to the crevices, to the brim with blessings and miracles and gratitude… and bliss. growing up is hard. no, extremely hard. rose-colored specs can’t protect anyone from the damaging limelight. we shall all have our fifteen minutes of pure illusory fame. revel in it.. bask.. bathe. be re-baptized. big minds. small hearts. the price some of us have to pay for thinking the other way around. growing up means having to constantly reassure oneself that there is still time left for whatever.. for everything else.. for people. people, more often than not, become so absorbed in this way-of-the-world kind of “growing up” they ignore the incessant ticking.. drown out the voices of youth that were once theirs… til the ticking becomes almost inaudible, overpowered by the sounds of *cha-ching!* jackpot.. *cha-ching! cha-ching! cha-ching!* then the ticking stops. time does not exist. there is no time left. all we have is now and our choices. and somewhere… our pots of eternal gold. see ya’ll there.. cheers!

there’s always gonna be that once-in-a-lifetime pain. the kind that’ll stand incomparable to any other kind that may come thereafter. that spirit-crushing, numbing kind of pain that leaves you hollow; that makes you want to surrender to stupid thoughts like not getting over it ever. for a time there, i thought i never would. somehow i managed to crawl my way back into the light, first on all fours and then on my own two feet. if i would pick a cliche that’s closest to truth (or maybe because it’s so obvious it sounds almost pathetic to point out in verbatim) it’d be this: Life goes on. and us with it. there’s just no other way in, no way out. in spite of harboring an undeniable pain of a ghost, in spite of our ever-faltering spirits, we all have to move on. we have to survive, to keep on living without spite, without regrets despite the destructive aftershocks and post-traumatic relapses. we should thank our lucky stars that after such a massive wipe-out, we’re still standing, ready to take on the next big wave, trying our best to ride it as if the worst is almost over. after a great pain, the succeeding ones will just be minor cuts and bruises, “malayo sa bituka,” piece of pie. don’t be stupid. don’t do anything stupid. cause it will get better. hold on. enjoy the ride.

i’m missing a lot of things but there’s something about it that’s divine — missing without having to miss out. as young as i am, i know i can start testifying that i have lived, and will continue to live as many versions of my life as i possibly can. change is a great thing, and because of it i have stories to tell, something to say, my life a little more interesting in each passing second of every day — thank God for that.

i miss who i was. but i like who i am now, nonetheless.

don’t let the moment pass you by. you gotta grab it as it comes. put your seal on it. remember, every moment is a masterpiece in the making. make it. it’s yours.


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