on being steady (february 2009)


people never fail to amaze me. they never fail to fail me. never fail to teach me a thing or two about being less naive hence being more jaded. it was kind of nice back when all the silly games weren’t so tiresome as it is now. or far less obvious for that matter. in naivete, you cry for reasons unknown. you see things in black and white, and in so doing, live life in the same opposing shades. every color in between – red, yellow, blue, green – are enjoyed in a way only a child could. colors splashing outside the box. no boundaries. no limits. no gray areas.

steadyness or the state of being “steady” roots from the onset of knowledge. when the once blurry lines become the solid boundaries that separate us from our raw and naked selves. everything becomes compartmentalized to a point where one can no longer move, much less breathe. a form of paralysis takes over the once vibrant spirit. but don’t be fooled. there’s a thin line between being steady and being at peace. more often than not, one declares his/her self as “steady” when his/her mental, emotional, and spiritual states are in so much odds, the physical state can only sit back and surrender all control. one can assume that in this state of feigned surrender, the person has already given up. when in reality, the fight hasn’t even started yet.

in his/her steadyness, s/he maps out the battle plan – taking everything in, assessing the situation and the possible outcomes, realigning one’s self, stocking up on ammo, covering his/her entirety in the beauty of gray. no, a steady person is not a peaceful person. s/he only gives off the illusion of serenity while knowing that the road to being just that still remains a long, weary but nonetheless eventful journey.

the state of steadyness is not for everyone, i believe. it only befalls people who, mindful of the consequences, choose to live regardless. to live against and with thyself, against and with the world in full human gear – weak, damaged, severely flawed. not everyone has the will, much less, the courage to face the incessant battles. but i’m sure everyone likes to think so. reality is only such as one perceives it to be. everyone believes what they want to believe. everyone is a prisoner of their own states of mind.

when you no longer fret over the smallest things, like a phone call/sms/email that never came, you are steady.
when you let other people be regardless of how it affects you, you are steady.
when you can sit back and think forward, you are steady.
when you choose to love in spite of the pain, you are steady.
when even in silence you still fight, you are steady.
when you finally see the sliver of truth behind the most disgusting of lies, you are steady.

when you learn to accept even and especially those things you can’t and won’t ever understand, you are steady.

when you let go, let your hair down, admit to being fully and unalterably human and find joy in it…


it’s that middle ground, that pit stop you take before continuing the race, the transitional phase of a kid to man/womanhood, the deafening silence of a heartbreak, our own personal limbos, the slow and agonizing morphication process we should all undergo before turning into the butterflies that we are.

being steady and jaded is a lonely state to be. but with it comes wisdom. besides, we can never be completely 100% free of naivete. hence never too steady, never too jaded. guess i’m thankful for that.


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