oh, my pregnant head (february 2009)


the experts say there are two dominating instincts human beings have for survival: FIGHT / FLIGHT.

some people stay on and fight to the finish. some are of the “ready steady go” types. either way, we all do what we do to survive. to live. may it be for ourselves or for that particular someone or something we’ve dedicated ourselves to live for.

still, taking flight doesn’t exclude you from the fighting or vice-versa. these two instincts are in constant conflict within an individual from the moment s/he wakes up. we barely have the time to brace ourselves for the surprise battles much less think about the consequences of our instincts. it’s a massively shunned and denied reality but we always always choose to kill rather than be killed. (most people are just so fond of the “martyr complex”). it’s our nature.

kill to survive. kill to protect. kill for love. kill for life. in whatever form the killing takes, being human, this is what we do.

fight or flight. fight and flight. fighting doesn’t make anyone less of a coward. taking flight doesn’t make anyone less courageous. i consider myself more akin to flight. i learned to avoid conflict early in life. i take the exit before the shit hits the fan so to speak. some hate me for it, others love me for it. i love/hate me for it.

i’m the one who leaves. i rarely get left behind. and what i’ve learned is that there’s always an incredibly intense feeling of loss regardless of which side of the boat you choose to be in. a certain lingering feeling that’s equally fucked up for those who leave and for those who get left behind.

i don’t mind being left behind. i don’t mind being alone. i definitely won’t take it against anyone who chooses to leave. people always have their reasons. not having one is still a reason. what’s irksome is the fact that it’s especially tough to find people here who i can connect with. who i can relate to and can actually relate to me. and when those rare someones have to leave.. it sucks big time but what can i do. the fighter in me kicks in and i deal. and i understand more. i do.

i don’t mind being left behind. i just really don’t like the feeling. (i’m sucha pussy i know.)



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s