a retraction of sorts (october 2008)

Posted: July 21, 2010 in Uncategorized

i am bitter. i won’t deny it. to all that have been reading my previous entries, this would be an understatement. bitterness is pouring out from every single word i wrote – dark, scorching, blazing like evil eyes. that’s just me trying to breathe. i do have the right to express myself in whatever form and whichever way i know best. i am a writer in my own right. that’s just what i do.

you are all free to have your own opinions of me and the concerned parties. i won’t take it against you. i won’t revel in it. i know i’m not innocent. my apologies for making myself appear as the supposed “victim.” i know i’m not. but it’s also true that i’m not guilty of anything. i just hope i can still say the same for him. i lost my right to defend him against himself, against myself, and against the world. i am done fighting other people’s battles. it’s high time that i fight my own. and if i be tagged as the biggest bitch for that, so be it. people who know me best know the truth, and will stick to the truth as they know it.

as ugly as the whole picture may seem now, i won’t ever deny that i loved him. so much so to the point of regret. but what’s the point in that? what’s done is done and can never be undone. there’s no denying that when we were together, i felt really, absolutely, IRREFUTABLY loved. i hurt him. he hurt me. we’re even. more so now, more than ever. it’s funny how even we are. perfectly evenly cut right in the middle. right thru the heart.

i want to believe that i can’t be spited for the ways i choose to deal. and in so doing, can’t and won’t spite him for the way he chose to deal. i want to believe that the “us” wasn’t just one big joke, and that i really mattered as much as he mattered and still matters to me. i know it won’t be so someday. time heals all wounds, anyway.

to those who have been part of the “us” once upon a time, and who are directly or are indirectly affected by all this, i’m sorry. we both tried to meet your and our own expectations of each other. we both had our own ways of succeeding and faltering. i can only say sorry.

i just wish that one day he’d finally be open enough to accept the reality that i’ve been nothing but 100% truthful to him through and through.

this is not the end. i have a lot to say, a lot to write. and i shall write til i heal.

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